Mom smiled, and my heart stopped for a moment. Would I forget her smile? The one she just had for me? Tears pricked, and I pushed them away. She didn’t need to see me crying.
“Of course I am. You know I would’ve been there last week ...” She sighed and moved toward me.
I sat up, and before I could motion for her to sit next to me, she did.
“You know I didn’t want to miss the game last week.”
I nodded.
“And you know I don’t want to miss any of your games. Ever.”
Again, I nodded and held my breath. I didn’t want to cry in front of her.
My mom reached for my hand. Our fingers linked, and she squeezed. “There is going to come a time when I may not look my best, so if you think I’m going to embarrass you, then you tell me to stay home, and I will.”
The tears I didn’t want to show her spilled over. I stared at the wall instead of looking at her. I was the man of the house. I was supposed to be strong for her.
Her fingers touched my chin and tugged me to look at her. She had tears as well.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
She nodded. “I know. Me too.”
“What are we going to do?”
My mom smiled softly. “You’re going to grow up to be an amazing man who thrives at life, who doesn’t let anyone or anything hold him back from what he wants.”
“But you won’t be here to guide me.”
Her head moved back and forth, as if she was admitting it all repeatedly. “But I believe I’ll see all. I’ll be here.” She placed her hand over my heart. “And here.” And then put her fingers on my temple.
“It’s not going to be the same.”
“I know,” she said, and more tears fell from her eyes. “I need you to do me a favor.”
“What’s that?”
“Continue to be the best big brother to Nova. She’s so young and won’t understand any of this.”
I scoffed. “I don’t understand any of this, Mom. How come you didn’t go to the doctor sooner? Why did you wait until you were so sick that death is the only answer?” I stood up and began pacing.
“Cutter.” She said my name softly. “I only started not feeling good a couple of weeks ago. Sure, I was tired, but I thought it was from thelong hours at work. It didn’t occur to me that something so horrible could be wrong.”
She stood and came toward me, placed her hands on my cheeks, and held me in place. “Leaving you and your sister is worse than knowing I’m not going to be here someday. Knowing I won’t be here to watch you ...” She paused, because her list of what she was going to miss was long.
“Knowing you’re hurting fills me with regret because what if there was something I could have done this year? Last year? Where did I go wrong?”
As much as I wanted to step away from her, I couldn’t. I looked in her eyes—eyes that matched mine and Nova’s—hoping I could remember everything in the way she looked at me.
“I love you, Mom.”
“You’re the love of my life, Cutter Vaughn. Don’t you ever forget it.”
I nodded and fell into her arms. Her hold was still as tight as it was before we knew she was sick.
“Come on,” she said as she motioned toward the door. “I need to make your breakfast, and then we gotta get you to the gym.”
“I need a minute.”
