Finding my favorite Pinot among the bottles of red, I uncork the bottle, pour a small taste into my favorite wineglass, and try it before deciding it’s good enough for me to fill up the rest. As soon as it hits the back of my throat, I relax against the counter in the one place I feel like I can let my guard down.
I love this condo. It’s luxurious and clean and mine. Furnished with the things I purchased or collected over the years. Decorated with the artwork I chose.
But most importantly, there’s not an ounce of tension living between these walls. There are no feelings of resentment lingering in the air.
I never understood how much I would value my own space until I shared one with the wrong person. And having a place that I can unwind at the end of the day, now that I spend my days doing a job that is under a constant microscope, has become priceless to me.
Sure, this penthouse is massive and meant for more than one person, but I’m not going to attempt to justify it. I understand I’m privileged to be born into the family I was born into, but I’ve also worked hard to get to where I am. I work hard so I can buy myself nice things. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice what I want just because I’m alone. If that were the case, I’d be sacrificing for the rest of my life.
And I’m okay with being alone forever. I’ve already had to choose between my career and a life that would look a whole lot different than the one I’m living now. I chose my career and would make the same choice again. I’ve learned and accepted that most men don’t find my job impressive. They find it intimidating. They don’t want a woman who works twelve-hour days. They don’t want someone who travels half of the year.
No, not all men. Just all the men I’ve met.
Sure, there are times I feel lonely, but that’s a rarity. I grew up as an only child and learned how to entertain myself. I enjoy my own company. I’m happy with who I am. And at this point, I’ve switched off the part of my brain that actively looked for a partner.
When I was given the choice between two different life paths, I chose this one, and if this is everything life has in store for me, I’m still happy I made that decision.
I take a long sip of my wine and take in the view I paid for. The sun has almost fully set, leaving a slight glow through the endless skyscrapers, and the combination of the sunset and the city lights is breathtaking.
There was a time in my life that a Saturday night was a bit livelier than how I tend to spend them now, but then I turned thirty and learned that a hangover could last multiple days. Or if I’m missing out on sleep, it could take me an entire week to catch up on it. So, if I’m not at the field watching a game or lingering inmy office, I’ve come to stick to my single glass of wine and a hot bath on a Saturday night.
With my glass in hand, I head to my primary suite to do just that.
This week was exhausting from travel and games, but when we landed at O’Hare this morning, instead of heading home, I went straight to my office at the field. I spent the day watching film of the other teams, working on ways to reallocate funds, and checking in on our minor league system. Those kinds of things.
The work doesn’t stop, and that’s what I like. It keeps me busy. I like to be busy, but every once in a while, I also like to wind down.
Keeping the bathroom lights dim, I light a few candles and turn on some music as the bath fills. I do all the extra stuff too, adding Epsom salts and grabbing my latest book. Why the hell not, you know? If I’m going to do something nice for myself, I’m going to indulge in every second of it.
After tossing my clothes into the hamper, I slip into the bath and let the water soothe my tired body.
I didn’t give myself a moment all week to realize how tense I’ve been. It feels like I’ve been in a constant state of fight or flight. Fighting to prove I can do this job when most people want me to run away and hand the team over to someone else.
Take last night’s press conference, for example. It took everything in me not to let them see how those questions affected me. Sure, I’m confident enough in myself that I can handle some scrutiny, but it’s human nature to want to be liked. To be accepted.
To have just one person tell you they think you’re doing a good job instead of being told the opposite while also being recorded for your response.
Then there was Emmett, sitting right next to me at the time.
Sure, we started off going at each other, but then he was kind of... protective.
I could sense how badly he wanted to step in during those questions. I could see how offended he was on my behalf. I would imagine a lot of that comes from him being a girl dad, but I couldn’t let him defend me.
I’m a woman working in a man’s world and the last thing I need is for a man to speak on my behalf. I have to do it myself.
But I don’t have to defend myself tonight. Tonight, I’m off the clock.
I take another sip of my wine before closing my eyes and resting my head back on the bath pillow, ready to fully relax.
Until my phone dings.
The audible whine that involuntarily comes out of my throat is a bit pathetic for a thirty-five-year-old, but come on now.
For a split second, I consider not looking at it. But then there’s a bigger part of me that’s convinced this could be another team and with an amazing trade opportunity. And if I don’t answer, I’ll always be known for my first act in office being that I missed a historic trade deal.
Dramatic, yes. But that’s the kind of pressure I’m under to get this right.
Water dripping from my hand, I grab my phone. But it’s not one of the other clubs in the league messaging me.
