He passed me the blunt as we listened to the record again. The performances and appearances were cool, but nothing compared to spending hours in the studio creating magic. I was a natural perfectionist, so I refused to leave until I was sure everything was perfect. Of course, everyone kept saying there was no such thing as perfection, but I desired to come damn close.
“I’ve been seeing you all over the blogs and shit with a bunch of cameras and shit in ya face. Most people would love the attention, but I’ve been locked up before, so I know how much of an adjustment the shit can be. How you been holdin’ up?” Spinz inquired.
I took another toke of the blunt before passing it back to him. No one outside of Logic and East ever asked those kinds of questions. I was a private person, so on the outside, I appeared to have my shit together.
“To be honest, it’s overwhelming. I have to remind myself of how blessed I am, because I don’t want to complain. Fame isn’t as easy as people may think. In prison, my life wasn’t my own. I operated on someone else's time and commands. I thought when I got home, I would finally have freedom, but it isn’t much different. I’m forced to follow someone else's schedule and terms. There is no such thing as privacy, because the moment I step outside, I’m fair game to the public.
“I can’t go anywhere without someone taking my picture or touching me without asking. I gotta walk around with bodyguards if I want any peace, and even then, they still try to overstep my boundaries. My fans are the reason I’m in the position I’m in, but sometimes I wish I could live a simpler life. The lights, cameras, and money don’t hit the same when you don’t have peace,” I admitted. It was something I usually kept to myself out of fear of judgment. Many people would kill to be in my shoes, so I never wanted to come off as ungrateful.
“I get where you’re coming from. Once you step into the spotlight, people stop seeing you as a simple human. For the label, you are a product that makes a lot of money. They don’t understand that sometimes you don’t want to go anywhere or rub elbows with those rich and bougie mothafuckas. In their mind, they own you, and you should be grateful.
“What I will say is you have to find your voice and be able to come up with terms better suited for you. When it comes to certain things, the label can only make a suggestion. The music and tours are the only things they have control over because they are paying. All those other events and appearances are optional, regardless of how they try to manipulate the situation. Unless you signed a contract to show up somewhere, you can stay your ass at home,” he advised me.
“Yeah, I know. I guess I feel obligated to show up for my fans because of the way they’ve supported me. At the same time, I would rather spend some of those days with my family. I’ve been dragging my kids all over the world because of my guilt. I missed so much time from being locked up, and now I’m free, and it feels like I’m still not spending enough time with them. They don’t seem to mind, but I do,” I vented.
“Balance, my nigga. It’s all about balance. Right now, you’re at the peak of your career, and everyone wants a piece of you. Trust me, I understand. When I get in the studio, I can stay in this mothafucka for hours and sometimes days, if the vibes are right. My kids don’t trip as long as I show up for the things that matter. I’ve cut a few sessions short to hop on a flight so I could make it to one of my kids' games or recitals. They remember the times when you were there for them more than anything. You ain’t gon’ be able to make up for the years you missed, but if you put in the time and effort, they won’t even remember that shit when it truly counts.” Spinz schooled me as I sat there in deep thought.
Since my release, it felt like I had been trying to play catch-up in life. I lost seven years, and everyone else was already miles ahead of me. I pushed myself to the limit in an effort to get back on track. Learning about the twins shifted my perspective because I realized it wasn’t all about the money or trying to get ahead. Those three matching faces at my house were the most important thing I had in the world. They depended on me, so I needed to do a better job at finding balance.
“Yeah, baby boy. I’m still at the studio. Naw, we’re almost done. Yes, I know I said I was gonna take you to ride go-carts. I ain’t forgot lil’ dude. Alright, I love you, too, and tell your baldheaded momma, I can hear her in the background. Naw, say it just how I said it. Alright, I love you, too.”
I chuckled, hearing the conversation between Spinz and his son. He brought his kids to the studio a few times when their momma needed a break, and I respected him for it.
“I see your kids stay on your neck, too.”
“Hell yeah. Jaivanni doesn’t play around. If I say I’m going to do something, he gon’ hold me to it. I used to be the same way when I was a youngin. The only difference is my parents never kept their promises.”
“Yeah, I understand what you mean. The mother of my children swears I spoil our kids too much, but I guess a part of me wants them to have everything I never had growing up. My son won’t have to run the streets as I did, and my daughters won’t ever have to go without.” I reflected on my childhood, and I never wanted my kids to experience it. As long as I had breath in my body, they would never have to stress about a thing.
“Yeah, my baby momma is the same way, but I think she worries about them becoming spoiled and entitled. Shit, when I think about the way I grew up, I would much rather them be spoiled. I used to rob niggas for my next meal or a pair of shoesso I wouldn’t have to walk around barefoot. They won’t ever know what that shit looks like.”
I nodded in understanding. Spinz and I talked often, so I knew about his upbringing. We shared many similarities in our childhood.
“Hello? Why are you on my line when you were just talking shit in the background? What you want, big head?” Spinz barked into the phone in a teasing tone.
“Hey, I’ve been having some issues with my car for the last week. I finally took it to the shop, and they quoted me forty-two hundred for the parts and repairs.” I assumed the woman on the line was his baby momma.
“Damn. Did you take it to Soul Taylor’s shop?”
“No, because I couldn’t get an appointment with them until next week, and I couldn’t go another week without my car running properly,” she whined into the phone.
“That’s a lot of money to invest in an old car. What you wanna do?” Spinz asked while playing around with the soundboard. One thing I learned was that he, too, was a perfectionist and a multitasker. It was the reason we worked so well together.
“I don’t know, Jaiven. I don’t have that kind of money to spend right now, but I need my car.”
“What the fuck do you mean you don’t have the money? I just gave you fifteen racks last week. I know you didn’t spend that money already.” Spinz frowned, then signaled for me to get back into the booth.
“No, I didn’t spend the money, Jaiven. That money was for our kids, not for my personal spending. Plus, I have two other kids, and unlike you, their father doesn’t do shit, so I have to do it all by myself.”
I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, but they were talking right in the open. It wasn’t like I could avoid it.
“Amaya, you gon’ make me go upside your head. What the fuck do you mean you can’t use the money for personal use? If you are taking care of my kids and that car is how you get back and forth, don’t you think that is an appropriate reason to use the money? I have never put any stipulations on how you use the money I give you, because I know you’re gonna do right by our kids regardless. You sound silly as fuck. And as far as Ayriel and Adira, you already know those are my babies, too. Why would I give you money for my kids and leave you struggling to still take care of your household? Make that shit make sense.”
“I don’t know. I mean, it’s not your responsibility to take care of them or me, so I wasn’t trying to put that on you.” She sniffled. For some reason, she reminded me of Naiari. No matter what I tried to do for her, she fought me on it as if she didn’t deserve it.
“Look, I need to get back to work, and you don’ pissed me off. As soon as I’m done, I’ma slide over there and drop off the Escalade. I’ll take an Uber back home, and you can keep the car until I figure out what to do with yours. I’m taking it to Soul because I trust him, and I'll see if it’s even worth fixing. It might be better for me to get you another one.”
“Jaiven, I—”
