‘If you insist on talking in riddles, I’ll never find out.’
As he began to pace the room, she took the chance to open up a little more, in the hope of encouraging Raffa to do the same. ‘The past made me afraid to show my feelings—afraid to risk my heart. I thought I couldn’t live through the pain of losing my mother, and decided it was better not to feel anything ever again. Now I realise that nothing can erase the past, so I think of the good times—the fun we had—baking together, the laughter and charades at Christmas before she became sick. When I confronted the alternative, which was to stay home with a drunken father, getting nowhere, doing nothing, I finally came to terms with my mother’s death, and realised that what she’d wanted for me was not to stay home and take her place, but to assume a moral responsibility for the family, so I could keep her purposeful, upbeat spirit alive. But to do that meant leaving home, so I could make enough money to keep things afloat.’
‘You can see that now,’ Raffa interjected. ‘But you’re just as guilty of beating yourself up. Deathbed promises can be misleading, and it’s only natural you worry about letting your mother down.’
‘That hasn’t changed,’ she admitted, ‘but I’m equally sure your parents wouldn’t expect you to hold yourself responsible for their deaths. Forgive me, Raffa,’ she added gently. ‘I don’t want to step on your grief, I’m just trying to say, in my rather clumsy way, that we’re fighting the same demons, you and I.’
Raffa remained silent for so long, she began to wonder if it was a hint for her to leave. She decided to test the theory. ‘I apologise if I’ve overstepped the mark tonight. After such a great party, I should keep my mouth shut, and only open it to say thank you.’
Raffa’s short, humourless huff wasn’t much, but it was a start, and Rose clung on to it with relief. ‘Forgive my silence,’ he said after a few more tense moments had passed. ‘I haven’t talked about my feelings to anyone. The shock of losing my parents was overwhelming. There was no chance for a last hug, or for me to tell them how much they meant to me.’
‘There’s never enough time for that.’
Another pause, and then he met her concerned stare head-on. ‘You’ve never had a problem being forthright, have you, Rose?’
She smiled ruefully. ‘Isn’t that why you hired me?’
‘I hired you because you’re the best,’ Raffa confessed with a shrug. ‘There was nothing more to it than that, until...’
‘Until?’ she pressed.
‘I don’t like fate to notice those I care about.’
‘Fate’s pretty busy, and can’t be mean all the time,’ she countered in an attempt to lighten his mood.
‘Trust you to put a positive spin on fate’s intentions, Rose.’
‘Whatever fate has in store for me, I’ll cope. I’m here for you, if you need me, but if you’ve just brought me here to say the sex is great, but you feel nothing for me—’
‘That is not why I brought you here.’
They stared at each other for a long moment, and then crashed together, two powerful forces colliding. There was no submission or mastery, and no holding back, either. There was only matching hunger and equal need. Raffa swept his desk clear. Clothes went flying everywhere. Nudging his way between her thighs, he sank deep with a roar of satisfaction, only equalled by Rose’s cries of release. There was no finesse, none needed. They strove with full concentration towards the next staggeringly intense release. It wasn’t once, twice or even three times that Rose’s rhythmical cries of pleasure echoed around Raffa’s study, until finally she lay utterly spent in his arms.
‘Again?’ he teased.
She dragged in some much-needed air. ‘What do you think?’
When they were quiet again, Raffa mused huskily, ‘I only wish there were more time to spend with you.’
‘So, you’ve no time for sailing on your yacht, or having sex with me in your study?’
‘You deserve more than that, Rose. As for the yacht?’ He gave a casual shrug. ‘It’s useful for business.’
‘My bike’s useful for getting to the village from the farm, but I don’t make it an excuse for living in the past. I’ve seen you torment yourself, and I’ve felt the repercussions. I understand you, because I spent years being stoic, and thinking I could take it. And it was true to some extent. I could take pretty much anything until you came along and opened up a well of feeling inside me. But you helped me too, because now I know I’d rather feel and bleed and cry than remain numb and sensible. I’m hungry to experience life, with all its challenges, and learn every step of the way. And if I can eventually raise a family to do the same, I’ll count that as the greatest achievement of my life.’
‘I can’t offer you what you hope for, Rose, and I won’t take the risk of you being hurt.’
‘Isn’t that up to me?’ she demanded, frowning. ‘It sounds to me as if you’ve decided to take the easy option and quietly back away.’
‘Quietly?’ Raffa raked his hair. ‘There’ll be nothing quiet about it.’
‘Then open up,’ she challenged. ‘Offload some of your guilt. You’re always telling me to share the load. You won’t be free from the past until you do the same.’
‘I would never do anything to hurt you.’
‘Coward!’ she flung at him with frustration. ‘What do you think you’re doing now, if not hurting me? Why can’t you be honest with both of us? You refuse to risk anything but your body, and that will never be enough for me. Am I wasting my time?’ she demanded.
‘Rose—’
