I walked out without looking back again, the door slamming behind me. The sound echoed in the cold Seattle air, final and definitive. For the second time in as many months, I was leaving with almost nothing, heading into uncertainty. But this time felt different. This time, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted.
The rain started as I reached my truck. Of course it would rain now, the universe apparently had a flair for the dramatic. I tossed my bag onto the passenger seat and sat there for a moment, key in the ignition but not turning it. The rain drummed on the roof, a steady rhythm that matched my heartbeat.
What was I doing? James had made it perfectly clear he wanted nothing to do with me. He’d called me selfish and compared me to my father. It was the worst insult he could have possibly thrown at me. And the worst part was, he’d been right. What I’d proposed had been selfish and cowardly. Just like my father would have done.
I started the truck and pulled out of Brittany’s complex, but I didn’t head toward James’s apartment. I couldn’t face him yet, not when the wound was still so fresh. Instead, I found myself driving to the small park near the edge of town, a place I’d gone sometimes when I needed to think.
The park was deserted in the rain, which suited me fine. I parked near the small lake and watched the raindrops create ripples across its surface. The gray sky reflected in the water, making it look as bleak as I felt.
I’d fucked up. Monumentally. I’d hurt the one person who had seen past all my bullshit, who had forgiven me for years of cruelty, who had somehow found it in himself to love me despite everything. And for what? For the comfort of the familiar? For the approval of people whose opinions shouldn’t even matter? I felt so fucking stupid.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. For a wild moment, I thought it might be James, but when I checked, it was Derek.
Derek: Hey man, everything going okay with the family stuff?
I stared at the text, wondering how to even begin to answer that question. All he knew about was the divorce. Everything else was so far from okay that it felt like a bad joke.
Me: Not really. Made some bad decisions. Trying to figure out how to fix them.
His response came quickly.
Derek: Anything I can help with?
Me: Unless you can turn back time, probably not.
Derek: That bad, huh? Want to grab a beer and talk about it?
I considered the offer. Derek had been understanding about my sexuality, but this was different. This was about James, my stepbrother. Former stepbrother, technically, but still. Would he understand that? Would anyone?
Me: Rain check. Need some time to sort through things on my own first.
Derek: Door’s always open. Take care of yourself, Kent.
I tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and leaned my head back, closing my eyes. The sound of the rain was soothing in its constancy, a stark contrast to the chaos in my mind.
What would I even say to James if I went back? Sorry I suggested cheating on my girlfriend with you? Sorry I was too much of a coward to choose you openly? Sorry I’m just like my father after all?
A sob escaped my throat, surprising me with its intensity. Then another. And another. Soon I was crying harder than I had in years, maybe ever. All the emotions I’d been suppressing, the fear, shame, grief, and regret, came pouring out in a flood I couldn’t control.
I cried for the teenager I’d been, so desperate for my father’s approval that I’d tormented someone innocent. I cried for the scared man I’d become. And I cried most of all for the love that I’d probably destroyed because I was such a coward.
But in that moment, before I could get too scared again, I picked up my phone and did the bravest thing I could think of. Or maybe the stupidest.
Me: Stacey, we need to talk. I need your help.
Chapter 28
Kent
“Kent…” Stacey said the moment I stepped through the door of the coffee shop. Her smile faded instantly. “You… You look terrible. What happened?”
“I’m fine,” I replied, running my fingers through my hair in a vain attempt to tame it. I let out a long sigh. There was no reason to start lying now. “Well… I’m not fine. But I’m okay.”
“Are you wearing the same clothes from yesterday?”
I glanced down, realizing she was right. “Y-Yeah. I… I slept in my truck.”
“What happened?—”
