She didn't make a mistake. Her only mistake was loving the wrong person. That one choice changed everything.
Tomorrow, I'll say what needs to be said. I'll tell him about my mother's last request, her last words. Then I'll leave. I'll go back to Germany. I'll leave Ilay behind. I'll leave all of this behind.
I don't belong in this world. This isn't my life. It never was.
"I just need to live for myself," I whisper, my voice hoarse.
But another thought creeps in, it's thoughts of a man I shouldn't want. Ilay, I wonder if he's alive. Will he really survive like my brothers said. I begin to hope and pray silently, If he is, that's good. Maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for us.
Then I shake my head, frowning. "What am I even saying?"
Do I really want this? To live like this? Always looking over my shoulder? Do I love him that much? Does he even deserve it? I drown out that last thought out of my mind. What am I even saying? Of course he deserves my love, this man took a billet for me, I'll be selfish to not even give him a chance.
I mouth one more prayer for his safety then head back to my bed. Once my head hit the pillow, I'm lured into a dreamless sleep.
Chapter 27
ROMAN
I sit in the chair beside Tessa's bed, my eyes tracing the bruising on her skin as the weight of the last forty-eight hours presses down on my shoulders. It has been two days since I carried her out of that room, bloodied and broken, and I haven't been able to sleep because every time I close my eyes, I see her terrified face.
The doctors told me she has a severe concussion along with fractured ribs and a twisted wrist, but the clinical list of injuries does nothing to ease the terror I feel knowing how close we actually came to losing her.
I rub my face in exhaustion because I haven't slept more than a few minutes at a time, and I am consumed by the guilt of knowing I wasn't fast enough to save her from the pain she endured. A soft groan breaks the silence, snapping my attention to her face just as her lashes flutter against her pale cheeks. She blinks, fighting the fog of medication, until her gaze locks onto mine with a clarity that stops my heart.
"Oh," she whispers, her voice raspy. "You came here to finish the job?"
I can't help the small, dark smile that touches my lips. "No. Why would I heal you, bring you to my best doctors, and guard your bedside if I still wanted to harm you?"
She blinks, processing my logic. "You're Mafia, after all."
I sigh, leaning forward to rest my hand near hers. "I don't know how to apologize for that reality, but I am incredibly sorry for what happened to you."
Her eyes fill with tears, and she tries to lift her hand to wipe them away, but her arm trembles and falls back to the bed with a wince. Without thinking, I reach out and gently wipe the tear from her cheek with my thumb.
"Please don't cry," I whisper.
"I can't help it," she sniffs. "It hurts."
"I know." My heart feels like it's being squeezed. "I'm sorry. I'm a dick."
She laughs, and it sounds like music. "Yeah. You really are a dick."
"At least you still have your sense of humor," I murmur, barely suppressing a smile.
"How's Iris?" she asks, the humor fading instantly. "She hasn't wanted to talk to anyone for two days now," I admit, watching her expression fall. "She's upset and scared, but she's been asking for you constantly."
"I'm worried about her," Tessa whispers, closing her eyes. "But it hurts, Roman. I swear to God, I've never been so scared in my life." Determined to fix at least one thing, I stand up. "Let me move your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sunlight; maybe it will help."
I carefully wheel her toward the glass, and as the golden light washes over her, she breathes in the warmth. "Roman?" she asks quietly after a moment. "Why do you care?"
I look at her, taken aback. "What do you mean?"
"You barely know me. I'm just some random girl caught in your mess, so why do you care so much?"
I don't have the words to explain that she hasn't been "random" to me since the moment I saw her. "I don't know," I say finally. But I do.
Our moment is interrupted when Kirill walks in, destroying the peace instantly.
