"I did write to you." Josiah dropped his gaze, afraid that if he kept looking at her he would close the distance between them entirely. He spread his hands wide. "I did not understand. I wanted to know the reason behind your separation from me but you did not respond."
"That is because I could not."
He nodded, then glanced at her before turning his head away, looking over to his left for the tear-stained face presented to him was nothing short of agony to his heart. "I told myself that it was all a pretense. I tried to believe that you were doing nothing other than lying to me when you told me of your affection."
A half sob broke from her lips but Josiah only shook his head, still refusing to look at her. "I could not bring myself to fully believe it, however," he continued on, his lips curving into a half smile, rueful and wistful in equal measure. "I wanted to. I wanted to tell myself that there was nothing more between us than pretense and lies but whenever I remembered the kiss we had shared and the joy that had been in your eyes in that moment, my heart set me back from that thought."
"There is nothing true about that," she replied, tears still in her voice and in her eyes. "I can well understand why you must have thought it and indeed, I was so afraid of what you would believe of me. But there was nothing I could do to change it."
"And you still do not know what it is that has separated us both?"
Lady Clara shook her head. "My brother has insisted that I stay back from you. He has told me that I cannot even be seen in your company, that we cannot talk or dance or walk together. If Iam seen with you, then he will take me back to our estate without hesitation." Her shoulders dropped. "It is as if you are an enemy when you are, in fact, the very opposite."
Before Josiah could say anything more or stop her from doing so, she had walked towards him, leaving only a step or two between them. He inhaled the sweet scent of lavender, his senses swirling as his eyes held fast to hers. All he had to do was reach out and take her hand, to let his fingers touch hers and then, he knew without doubt, his world would explode with light and color --- something that he had been entirely devoid of these last few months.
"I do not know if I dare ask this but..." Lady Clara shut her eyes and trembled visibly. "Rutland, this is a step too far, mayhap and indeed, it was not even my own idea but it came from Alice."
Josiah licked his lips, curling his fingers up tightly into a fist so he would not reach out to her. As much as he might want to, if he did so and if he permitted himself such a joy, would it not then be pulled away from him all over again when she stepped back? She had already made it clear that they were not permitted to be connected in any way so why torture himself all over again? "What is it, Clara?"
Flecks of gold swirled in her hazel eyes as she opened them again. "In our time apart, I have never lost any affection for you, Rutland. I am foolish to believe or to hope that it might be the same for you also, given what I have done, but ---" She closed her eyes again, seeming to find it too difficult to speak whilst looking back at him. "I want to know the truth. I want to understand why we were set apart. I have no thought as to how to go about such an investigation especially when my brother will not say a word to me about it, but I must understand why." Her eyes opened again, tears returning to glimmer gently. "If there is even the smallest hope that our love might be rekindled, then I seenow that it is worth pursuing this mystery to its end. But I fully understand if you do not feel the same way as I."
Every part of him wanted to say yes. The word was there, rising in his chest --- but his mind caught it before it could reach his lips. To know the reason behind their separation was one thing. But what would it lead to? Would they truly find happiness again, or only more heartbreak?
"I am not sure what to do," he said, slowly, seeing the light fade from her eyes as she nodded her head and then closed her eyes again, dashing tears away from them. "Even if we did find out the reason, there is no promise of ever returning to one another, is there?"
Mute, she shook her head, her eyes still closed.
"It might give us clarity but it would only bring further pain," Josiah finished, still not certain if this was what he wanted to do. "I must ---"
"I understand." She broke into his words, one hand at her heart. "Thank you for coming to speak with me, Rutland, for listening to all I had to say. I am only sorry that I did not have any more answers for you." Her eyes opened and, appearing hurried and almost a trifle frantic now, she bobbed a curtsy and then, before he could say anything more, stepped away. Josiah opened his mouth to call her name but snapped it closed again, knowing he could not do such a thing in public especially when they were meant to be separated from each other. Gritting his teeth, he squeezed his eyes closed and dragged in air to his tight lungs, frustrated with himself that he had not been clearer. Yes, he could say easily enough that there were good reasons for them not to pursue the truth but was that what his heart wanted? Was he truly contented to stay back from her, not knowing the truth as to why they had been separated and would continue to be so?
I cannot risk my heart again.
His eyes caught on her as she walked through the bookshop below him, going directly to where Lady Alice and her mother now stood. The scent of lavender lingered where she had been standing and Josiah closed his eyes against it, against the memory of how near she had been, how much he had wanted to reach out and take her hand in his.
I love her still.
The admission, even silent, cost him something. He pushed one hand through his hair and gazed up at the ceiling, frustration and longing twining together until he could not tell them apart. He could continue as he had been --- setting her aside, accepting the silence, letting whatever remained of their love wither for want of answers.
Or he could dare to be bold and push forward into this mystery, in the faint hope that somehow, in some way, they might find a path forward, together.
9
Clara sat at the pianoforte, her hands resting on the keys but no music coming from the instrument. Yesterday's conversation with Lord Rutland sat heavily on her mind and no matter how she turned his words over, she could find no comfort in them. He had listened. He had believed her. But he had not been willing to fight for what they had lost and that, more than anything, was what cut deepest.
"Clara?"
She started, half turning in her seat to see her mother standing in the doorway. "Mama."
"You have been in here for over half an hour and still, I have heard no music." With a gentle smile, Lady Tyrone came into the room and sat down in a chair near to the pianoforte. "Are you weary after all the social occasions we have attended recently?"
Clara hesitated, wondering if she should be honest with her mother, only to decide that it was not worth speaking about. After all, what could her mother say that would bring her any comfort? "Yes, I am somewhat fatigued."
"Then mayhap this letter might bring you some excitement and renewed energy." With her smile growing, Lady Tyronehanded Clara a letter, the seal on it unmarked. "It arrived only a few minutes ago. I wonder which gentleman has written to you! You have been receiving some callers of late and I favor Lord Headley myself."
A little surprised, Clara took the letter. She had received callers, yes, but none had called more than once --- and she quietly suspected Lord Headley was far more interested in Alice's company than her own. Not that it mattered. Her heart still belonged to Lord Rutland.
Opening the letter, Clara unfolded it and began to read silently. The first line made her eyebrows lift, the second astonishing her all the more as her heart began to pound furiously.
