"My brother insisted upon it."
Her cousin blinked, then frowned. "And why did he do that?"
Clara spread out her hands, her eyes damp with unshed tears. "I do not know. He would not tell me."
"And... and you simply accepted that?"
The question made Clara frown. "I had no choice, Alice. I have begged and pleaded and even refused at one point to write such a letter but in the end, it was demanded of me." She recalled the moment she had put her hands to her hips and declared to her brother that she absolutely would not write such a letter... and how quickly he had responded in turn. The threats he had poured out against her had made even their mother weep but Clara had seen the determination in his eyes. She had believed that every single word that came from his mouth would be done to her if she did not do as he demanded.
And so, she had written those awful words and brought everything to a close.
"Why did your brother not write himself?"
Clara opened her mouth and then closed it again, her frown tugging deeper. "I --- I do not know. I have never thought to ask."
"He made you write it so that Lord Rutland would lose all hope of you ever returning to him, mayhap," Alice suggested, cocking her head. "He clearly did not want there to be a connection. If he had written to Lord Rutland, then the gentleman would have trusted that you still loved him and might have come to pursue you regardless."
This was more insight than Clara had ever gained in the last few months and it shamed her a little, for she had kept a journal of every inconsistency, every evasion, every strange reaction from her brother these past weeks --- and yet she had never once asked herself this most basic question. "I have been writing things down," she confessed, quietly. "The way David behaves, the things he will not explain, the moments when he flinches at certain names. I have it all recorded in a journal I keep hidden. But I have never put the pieces together as you have just done."
Alice's expression sharpened with interest. "You have been keeping a record?"
"I did not know what else to do. I felt so helpless --- at least writing it down gave me some sense of..."
"Of control," Alice finished, softly. "Yes, I understand that."
"Might I ask if you love him still?"
A wave of misery crashed over Clara's head. "Of course I do. It has only been a few months of separation but in that time, I have battled against guilt and shame over what I did to him. But my love for him has never waned."
"Nor his."
Clara shook her head sadly. "I cannot say for certain but I would doubt that his love is still as strong as mine, if it is there at all."
"You spoke to him," Alice remembered. "Only a few days ago, was it not?"
"I could not bear it," Clara said, softly. "I could not bear to have him believe that I had done such a thing willingly. I had to tell him the truth --- even though my brother warned me fervently not to do such a thing."
Alice put a hand on Clara's arm. "My dear cousin, this must have been such a great agony for you." Her eyes softened as Clara pushed her tears back. "So what it is now that you need from me? How can I help you?"
Taking a breath, Clara squeezed her cousin's hand. "Lord Rutland and I need a place to talk in private, where we will not be overheard. Might you join me at The Theatre Bookshop tomorrow afternoon? I could persuade my mother to come with us so that my brother does not feel the need to attend."
"Could we not each just take our maids?" Alice asked, as Clara shook her head. "Your brother will not permit it?"
Clara hesitated, then looked away. "I fear that Tyrone will not permit it. He is keeping a close watch on me."
"Which does make the entire situation all the more confusing," her cousin said, slowly. "I am more than happy to attend with you but I must ask, Clara, are you not eager to get to the truth?"
"I --- I have given up trying to find it out," Clara answered, a catch in her voice. "I have begged and pleaded ---"
"But you have not investigated," Alice interrupted, gently. "You have your journal, your observations --- that is a beginning, not an ending. Think on this, Clara. If you have love still for Lord Rutland and he has for you --- although I am aware you do not believe there to be --- then is there not a desire within you to find out the truth? And to find a way to still forge a path together with him despite whatever it is you discover?"
Clara opened her mouth to refuse --- and found she had no reason to. Every objection she reached for dissolved before she could speak it. "I would not know what to do or where to begin."
"Then I will help you." Alice smiled. "And I am sure, if you speak to Lord Rutland and tell him what you know, he might well be willing to assist you also. After all, it sounds to me as if the love forged between you was so strong, it could still prevail, even after all this time."
Clara hesitated, her hopes beginning to rise but at the same time, doubts trying to press them down, trying to steal them away from her. "I do not know if I can agree, Alice but..." Trailing off, she paused, considering. Then, with a nod, she straightened and smiled, setting aside her worries. "But you are right. If there is even the smallest hope that I might find a way back to Lord Rutland, then it is worth pursuing. So yes, I will tell him all and ask for his help to solve the mystery that keeps us apart." Her heart trembled within her but Clara clenched her fists to steel her resolve. "Let us pray he agrees."
Her heart was beating so furiously, Clara was quite sure it echoed around the walls of the bookshop. Lord Rutland had not yet appeared. Each passing minute tightened the knot in her stomach --- perhaps he had decided she was not worth the effort, that the wound she had caused ran too deep for even a conversation to reach. She stared down at the book in her hands, the cover blurring as tears pressed into her eyes.
