Pleasing the kingwasthis lord’s first duty. I needed to remember that.
“If I go up on deck, I promise to change.” I had no intention of going up on deck where I might run into Merrick. Or Lore, for that matter. When I met him . . . I didn’t want to remember the feelings that had churned through me, that still flipped around inside me when I pictured his face. I needed to focus on Merrick, my husband, not my husband’s bodyguard.
“Very well, my lady.” With that, the lord opened the door.
“Do not lock me inside again.” My voice came out sharper than the blade I’d flung at the back of my bedroom door for over an hour.
“Not unless the king makes that specific request,” he said brightly, carrying the tray into the hall and magically shutting the door behind him.
I gave him a moment before testing the knob, finding it unlocked. Good.
However, someone had tried to kill the king today.
I locked the door on the inside, adding a touch of magic, though I wasn’t sure it would hold for long or keep anyone out.
Farris padded behind me, into the bedroom.
I flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. While I didn’t want to delve into what happened with Merrick, I wasn’t the kind of person to ignore things. I’d consider it rationally in my mind, give what happened perspective, and put it aside.
The bed felt soft beneath me, and it was funny how quickly I’d become used to such comfort. This bed, like the one I’d slept in at Lydel Court, felt nothing like the rough wooden cot with its thin mattress I’d slept on at the fortress. My gaze lingered on the ceiling, tracing along the hewn wooden beams supporting the deck overhead, but my thoughts flew far from here.
Merrick's kiss dangled in my mind, a haunting mix of sensation and emotion that refused to let me free. His kiss should’ve been easy to ignore. I should dismiss my reaction as a distraction from the pain, from the loss of the man I’d loved, but it clung to me as well as my leathers.
My lips still tingled as if he’d just now pressed his mouth against mine. They’d seared away any thought of distance, ofthe propriety I thought I’d find with the kind, somewhat sweet-mannered king.
There’d been something more to our kiss, something dangerous in his touch. He’d kindled a spark inside me that flared to life, telling me my heart hadn’t died along with Kinart. Even as heat pooled low in my belly and a treacherous thrill wound through my veins, his face flashed in my mind, bringing with it a fresh wave of guilt. It buried the desire I’d felt with my new husband.
The betrayal was sharp and clarifying. How could I feel like this, want like this when I was still in love with someone else? What kind of woman ached for a man she’d just met?
Farris hopped up onto the bed. He circled a few times before curling into a ball beside me, tucking his snout beneath his bushy gray tail. His eyes lagged before closing, and even when I stroked his soft fur, he didn’t stir.
Tugging my hand back, I rested it on my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut, reaching for the thread of a memory to pull me back to what I’d lost. The warmth, the laughter, everything that had been pure and good in my life. It had been much more than physical with him; Kinart had been my best friend, my first love, the man who’d made me believe in a future where we could be happy. A future that was stolen from us both.
How could I let that slip away as if it was nothing?
As I lay there, letting my guilt churn through me, the grief began to slide from my grasp like fabric fraying, threads loosening one by one. Unraveling like the image of his face I could barely hold onto.
The memories, once so vivid, were beginning to fade ratherthan remain bright. Pain had become my constant companion but somewhere between holding him in my arms as he died, to scattering his ashes, and to running from the fortress to start a new life, the pain of my loss had started to drift away.
This terrified me more than anything.
I pushed up from the bed, unwilling to lie here any longer. I needed something tangible to hold onto, and I knew where I could find it. Slipping from the bed, I slowly approached the closet. Too much pain waited there for me. I hadn’t dared face it yet.
For the first time, I felt nearly ready to look.
Time did heal, there was no doubt about that. But time also stole. A few memories here and there. A wisp of the pain. It slowly tugged more and more away until you woke up one day and realized you could breathe without your chest cracking, think of that person without breaking down in sobs.
I didn’t like it. I wanted to cling to Kinart, feel the pain of his loss forever.
“Why did he have to die?” I asked, my voice one big croak.
Farris looked up, his tail flopping on the bed, before he tucked his nose down again and slipped back into slumber.
I creaked open the closet door and stared at my pack. I’d carried only a few precious items away from the fortress, ones I couldn’t bear to leave behind. I hadn’t looked at them since.
I set the pack on the bed and crawled back onto the surface, crossing my legs and gnawing on my thumbnail while studying the simple canvas sack.WasI ready?
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready, but I felt I needed to look now.
