I’m not okay. None of this was ever okay.
I should never have taken this job. Should never have let it get this far. I knew from the start what kind of person my father is, what kind of business he does—and in the end, I still did as he asked. I thought every step I took was a measure away from my father, but without realizing it, I ended up following along in his footsteps—prioritizing money over people and only thinking of myself.
I think of the documentary, of Parker and Ryan, bickering like siblings between takes. Of early practices on cold ice, the chemical smell of the rink intermingled with warm, fresh-brewed coffee. The team, with their jokes and their teasing and the way they pretend not to love each other. The way the sports center has come to feel like a real home to me. The surly team captain, watching me from across the ice, letting me into his world.
It’s all gone.
I was so busy thinking about what I stood to gain, I didn’t fight hard enough for what everyone else would lose.
I never expected it all to mean so much.
My back hits the sand and I close my eyes.
It’s dark when my phone vibrates in my pocket, demanding my attention. Demanding I be here, in this body, in this life I want nothing to do with, but nobody ever calls me unless it’s important, and there are other people in this world besides myself. I pull out my phone and answer without looking at the screen.
“Hello?”
“Fred? Hey, are you okay?” It’s Grace.
I consider lying, but then I think of where that’s gotten me, and a lump forms in my throat instead. “No. I’m not.”
“Where are you? Are you safe?”
“Yeah.” I realize the waves are enveloping my ankles, lapping at my backside. The tide’s coming in.
“Are you at the beach?”
“Yeah,” I say again. “I’m here.”
“My dad was getting some ice cream with one of his buddies on the pier and he said he thought he saw you. Are you by yourself?”
“Yeah.”
“Why don’t you come over and talk about it? It’s getting too dark to be hanging out there. I know it’s Manhattan Beach, but you never know what sort of creeps are lurking around.”
My body feels too heavy for me to drag myself out of the sand, but I know Grace is right. Still, I’m by no means ready to go home. I can’t let my parents see me like this.
I can’t imagine what sort of legal agreements I’ve managed to fuck up by leaking the sale information to the team—or worse, the public. Who’s to say Mattias won’t go to the news?
My stomach roils at the thought, but I force myself to get up. Damn, it’s freezing. When did it get so cold? And when did the sun set? The whole day feels like a nightmarish blur that I keep hoping I’ll wake up from, but likeDonnie Darko, I’ve entered a tangent universe that can only end one way. Wearily, I make my way to Grace’s apartment.
“My god, you’re a wreck,” she says when she sees me. Then she wraps me in a tight embrace, and I tell her everything.
“He should have at least heard you out,” Grace says. We’re seated at her dining table. Margot is here now, too, and she grabs one of the strawberry rhubarb cupcakes she’s brought over from the local bakery—usually my favorite, but my own cupcake sits untouched on my plate.
“Why would he?” I hang my head in my hands.
“Not to salt the wound, but I agree. He seems like the guy who wants to see concrete actions, not lip service,” Margot says.
“I was planning on quitting, but I have no way of proving that,” I reply.
“Ay, there’s the rub,” Margot says with a heavy sigh.
“He obviously cares about you, or he wouldn’t be so hurt. So I don’t think this is unsalvageable,” Grace says, pulling another cupcake apart with her fingers. “But to Margot’s point, you need a concrete plan. Let’s talk about the real villain here: good ol’ Hugh Hearst. He’s really selling the team? To a PE firm?”
I nod. “You guys can’t say anything. Seriously. I’m breaking so many NDAs by even mentioning it. Do you think Mattias is going to tell the rest of them?”
Margot immediately shakes her head. “That would be a really bad move on his part. Telling the team would pretty much guarantee a bad showing for the rest of the season. Nobody would be able to concentrate. The Monarchs are doing better than anybody expected this season, and I doubt he wants to ruin that momentum. Especially if there’s no team relocation and everybody just becomes a free agent. If he has aheart, he’s going to want everyone to be able to play their last season with the Monarchs without that kind of burden.”
