“Told ya I’d be back.” He looks at my son, “man to man, learn early, Justice, give your word, keep your word.”
Justice nods not truly taking in the life lesson just dropped on him. Tears fill my eyes thinking this is what I’ve wanted for my son. A man to use everyday things to teach Justice but also to lead by his own example.
“Dinner’s ready,” I inform them motioning towards the kitchen as I make my way back to the stove to make our plates.
The guys follow, Justice taking his seat, and Dean taking his like he belongs here. It’s natural like we have done this forever. What should feel awkward doesn’t.
“Dean, do you think we need to add a clubhouse like yours across from our garage?” Justice asks stuffing a giant piece of cornbread in his mouth.
“Whatever you want, buddy. You design it and we’ll build it.”
After dinner, I clean up the kitchen wondering if Dean is going home or will he stay the night. We never really seem to have a plan. Mostly, he tends to fall asleep in my bed after making love and he tends to wake before Justice and head home to shower and ready for his day. I find the man really likes food though and makes sure he’s back for breakfast with my boy and me.
It's when I glance into the living room, I come to a complete halt. Dean is on the couch with Justice curled into him holding a book. Justice is reading to him as Dean gently corrects mispronunciations. I never asked Dean to help with homework or in this case the baggie books for reading. He simply sat down and did it. Seeing them together shatters me inside for the dreams I once had and yet puts me back together too. I used to dream about Jonah being home and reading to Justice. I grip the kitchen counter trying to stop the tears.
Jonah never got the chance to experience this. Here Dean sits like it’s the most natural thing in his world.
They finish the book and Justice hands Dean another one. “You read to me,” he instructs, and Dean does just that not even noticing me watching them.
In time Justice begins to yawn and before Dean finishes the book, my son is asleep in his arms. Dean lifts him effortlessly, carrying him to bed like he’s done this for Justice’s entire life. I stay in place pretending like I’m not falling apart as my entire life feels like it’s unraveling inside me.
This is not how it’s supposed to be. Jonah. He should be here and he’s not. The grief washes over me.
Dean comes back, leaning against the counter studying me, “he’s asleep and you’re in a faraway land. Wanna talk about it?”
“Thanks for putting him to bed. You didn’t have to,” the words come out in a hushed whisper as I fight back the tears.
“You’re checkin’ out on me.”
Can I say it out loud? Do I dare tell him the ghost that haunts me will forever overshadow anything we can have? The last time I opened up about the way I can’t let go of Jonah, I got a five-fingerprint necklace that stayed in place for over a week.
I take a deep breath. Dean is not Brett. And if this is going to be something, he needs to know where my heart and head are, right?
“My first husband, before Brett. Jonah. He is Justice’s dad.”
Dean doesn’t make a move. I’m not even sure he breathes.
“He died before Justice was born. In combat. I was pregnant, alone, and away from home trying to figure out life. We had years together before Justice and my son got zero seconds even with his dad. Watching you embrace him the way Jonah would have, it’s beautiful, Dean.”
He takes a soft inhale, “and it’s painful because it’s Jonah’s place.”
I blink in shock. Silence stretches between us as I wait for Dean to be angry at the mention of Jonah. Only he doesn’t get mad. Instead he steps closer, cupping my face gently, he looks in my eyes, “I’m sorry, Jo. I’m sorry the world took him from you both.”
Tears burn behind my eyelids, I am speechless. “I’m sorry, I try to keep Jonah tucked away.”
“What?” He asks with a sad look to his features. “You need to hold onto him. He is Justice’s dad, that never changes, Jo. He was a huge part of your life and still is.”
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“Hell no, I’ll help you hang more pictures all around. I’m not here to erase Jonah. I’m not here to replace him either. There is no way to do that, and no one should want to. Justice came from a special love you shared. Don’t diminish any of that ever, Jo. Not for me, not for anyone.”
My chest tightens as my breath hitches.
“Hold onto him, Jo. Hold onto the memories for Justice and for you. Just don’t let any of it stop you from making new ones. Life is for the living.”
I close my eyes as his words are a balm to my broken heart. For the first time in a very long time, the weight of my past doesn’t feel quite so heavy.
Stepping closer, his eyes look down on me. The passion in them is ever-present, but the genuine concern and love envelope me in the cocoon of his safety. Rolling up, I press my lips to his. His hands grip my waist, lifting me to the counter as his mouth crashes onto mine. We’re moving, colliding, as his hands roam, my hands roam. Carrying me to my room, I lose track of everything. I cling to him, needing more, craving these new memories with him.
