This was my life, now.
KOARTHANDRIS
Izzy and Baynwere given an hour to prepare themselves. Izzy took strength from me, to recover from the long day travelling. Then I let Bayn do the same, since he’d expended a lot of energy using his land-step to get us all here. It left me drained… but I’d done what I could to help them.
Yet again, Izzy would face death, and I’d not be able to protect her.
It rankled and stung, putting me in a foul mood.
“You okay?” Izzy asked as she limbered up, stretching a little. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t protect you out there,” I snarled, mad at myself, not her. Yet, the truth was far more insidious than that. I’d been thinking a lot since the assassination attempt on her, quietly working out if I could have done anything differently. And the sad truth was, I’d done everything possible to protect her… and she’d still nearly died. If Safir hadn’t been there to take that last attack…
And that realization had been slowly crushing my soul.
When I said,I can’t protect you out there, I hadn’t meant,I’m angry because I can’t fight, but instead,even if I was out there with you, I don’t know if I’d make a difference.
“I’ll be okay,” Izzy said, trying to soothe me. “With my strength, Bayn doesn’t think I’ll have any trouble beating his mother.”
And that was another part of this multifaceted problem: in many ways Izzy didn’tneedme to protect her. And all this doubt was dragging up my old issues around my failure to protect Talmarion and his family.
I’d hoped that simply remaining close to Izzy would be enough. I’d thought that maybe Mynrial had died because I’d left her side to try to help her parents. But I’d been at Izzy’s side when the assassins had struck, and it hadn’t made a difference. And if I’d been allowed to fight in this deathmatch, would it change anything? As loath as I was to admit it, titans were stronger than dragons. One on one, I’d have little chance of success. It took roughly two dragons to fight one titan effectively. Titans were the descendants of elves, after all. Hence, this fight was among equals. A titan and an elf against two titans was a mostly level playing field. I would be a hindrance at worst or a mere bit of a help at best.
So… where did that leave me?
If it wasn’t proximity that would help or save the woman I cared so deeply for… then what? If she was swarmed by elves, I’d be little help. And if she proved herself tonight, beat a titan queen, then did that mean she didn’t need me by her side at all?
If I couldn’t protect her, wasn’t strong enough to make a difference, then what remained of my duty to the royal family?
I put on a fake smile to reassure Izzy that I’d be okay. She smiled in return and went back to her calisthenics.
Shifting my gaze, I looked over at Bayn. Could he protect her better than I could?
There was doubt in his brown eyes. Yet, I didn’t believe it was doubt that he’d win this fight. No, I had a feeling it went far deeper than that.
I felt bad for Bayn. I still hated titans with a vengeance, that hadn’t changed. I’d fought the big bastards too many times — lost too many friends to their savagery — for that to go away easily. But I saw Bayn as a titan less and less. He was just a man. And after our time together with Izzy, I couldn’t help but notice how lost he seemed. He was a man out of place. A titan, but not accepted, shunned. Yet, as a titan he couldn’t truly fit in anywhere else. All he had were a few friends, his sister, and Izzy. I’d seen how he’d looked at her during our bathroom escapades. There had been lust and passion, but also a certain desperation. He wanted — no needed — her to accept him, all of him, even his rather aggressive control issues. And so far, she had.
But I think he still feared Izzy, doubted her intentions, doubted all of us who surrounded her. My guess was, he dreaded losing control of the titans. The only reason Izzy was fighting with him was to make a show of force, to overwhelm and intimidate the titans so there would be no more challenges. And if she succeeded in that… would the titans only follow her… not him? What would become of him, then? That was my suspicion for the apprehension behind his eyes.
If so… he didn’t know Izzy.
She’d happily hand control of the titans over to him. She didn’t want to command anyone, really. But would her handing over control be a blow to his ego?
Perhaps.
Just as it had been a blow to mine to realize she didn’t need me to protect her most of the time.
Hence, I felt a rather curious connection to the titan. Something I’d never thought possible.
“You ready?” Bayn boomed to Izzy. “Nearly time.”
In fact, even as he said this, the massive door to our “little” training room opened and a titan told us it was time.
“As I’ll ever be,” Izzy said with a confident grin.
I rose and kissed her softly before she left.
“Crush her,” I said almost as if it were a term of endearment.
