“You need to be realistic.” Sadie clasped my wrist and drew my hand slowly toward her. She flattened my palm between her breasts, and I went still, every nerve zinging to life. I hadn’t been near a woman like this since the pandemic started, and a flood of awareness travelled through me.
“What are we doing?” I asked carefully.
“Just… feel my breathing,” she said, keeping hold of me.
The softness of her breasts gave way beneath my palm, the rise and fall of her chest too shallow, too fast. For a runnerwho regularly pushed herself, she’d never worked this hard to function at rest.
My eyes met hers, and I tried to read her expression. “What are you saying without saying it?”
“I want to live.”
“But?”
“Even if you catch the virus, you could reach your family before it gets bad. Talk to them outside. See them one last time. I’m not sure I’m going to survive this, and I need you to go while you can.”
Anger blazed through me. My shoulders tensed. I knew exactly what I was risking when I chose to stay. The guilt, the regret—it was too heavy a burden without her piling on more.
Whichever way you looked at it, choosing one thing meant losing the other.
“And that’s exactly why I’m staying,” I said, pulling my hand back, “so don’t suggest it again.”
Sixteen
sadie
My cough worsened as afternoon slipped into evening, and a headache pounded in my temples, too strong for painkillers to tame.
I’d been vomiting on and off, and when I slept, bizarre fever dreams took hold of me.
At one point, I could have sworn I was floating, my body overcome with lethargy and drifting on the air like a wispy cloud. Another time, I was hugging a tree, wrapped around the trunk as if its strength and sturdiness could heal me.
Ultimus was a mind-bending hallucinogen, and I needed off this trip.
I wanted my old life back.
I wanted my mum.
When I woke deep in the night, I couldn’t summon the will to raise my head. “Theo?”
“I’m right here,” he said, his voice heavy with sleep. “What do you need?”
I paused to cough, then reached for him in the dark, picturing him sitting on the edge of the coffee table. It didn’t occur to me he wouldn’t be perched there all night, waiting for instructions. “Can you… can you lie here with me for a minute?”
“I already am.”
His amused tone had me sweeping my palm across the surface beside me. It was soft and spacious, with a sheet in place of leather. Had he carried me to his bed? Was that the floating sensation I remembered?
I didn’t even have the energy to be embarrassed. “Why am I in your bed?”
“I’m tired. This way I can sleep and be close by if you need me.”
“Smart.” My eyes welled with tears, and my throat tightened. “You’re so smart, Theo.”
“And you’re delirious.” He stroked his fingertips over my forehead, then through my hair, rubbing the spot behind my ear with his thumb.
My fever hadn’t broken yet, but his closeness didn’t suffocate or overwhelm me. It was solid and dependable... like a tree. “Have I been wrapped around you all night?” I asked.
“Like an octopus and a furnace all in one.”
