Now that we’d stopped and I could breathe again, relief swept through me in a powerful wave. It rushed over my body, starting as a low hum that turned into a violent, all-encompassing shudder. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep it contained, but there was no stopping the flood. I pulled in a breath, and Cruz watched me without saying a word.
He knew.
A long moment passed, heavy with unspoken feelings. Instead of filling the silence, I waited and waited, letting it build until the emotion felt like it might explode from me or drown me. We could havediedtoday, and it suddenly hit me with the ferocity of a whack over the head. My chin trembled, and my eyes stung with tears.
I blew out a sigh that sounded more like a moan of despair. “I’m sorry.”
His gaze turned gentle as he watched me. “For what?”
“I think the adrenaline was keeping me going all this time and now it’s gone, everything’s—I feel like I’m going to...” Tears leaked free, and I gave them an irritated swipe with the back of my hand. I didn't even know what I was trying to say. It all just felt like too much.
“Maybe you should come sit with me.” Without waiting for a response, Cruz scooped me up and arranged me sideways across his lap, providing a solid base to lean on. Strong arms to keep me contained. Being in a secure space gave me the permission I needed to let go, and it took me mere seconds to give in to the tidal wave.
He didn’t make a sound, didn’t try to comfort me with words. He just sat with me as my throat burned and tears slid down my face.
This life washard, so much harder than anything I’d experienced before the pandemic. Every movement took thought, each decision made with the acceptance that no matter how careful you were, the worst could still happen—to you or the people you loved. And I’d been in charge the whole time, looking after myself and Haruto, taking responsibility. Taking the lead. It was exhausting.
Now I had Cruz to share the burden with me. The relief of feeling that pressure lift had me letting out a guttural sob.
When another wave of tears came, I did nothing to curb them. “I couldn’t let myself think about you while we were separated,” I said, my voice thick with emotion, “but it hit me out of nowhere while we were driving away. I could have lost you—or we could still be there now searching for each other. What if we'd had to spend the night apart not even knowing if the other was still alive? What if you'd never found me?”
I'd thrown a lot of what-ifs at him, but he didn't mock me for overthinking or brush aside my concerns. He hugged me tighter for a moment. “I wouldn’t have left the city without you.”
I believed him. I didn't know everything about Cruz yet, but one thing I'd become sure about was his determination to tell me the truth. It was comforting to know that we had each other's backs, especially since we were heading into the complete unknown in the morning.
When I'd calmed some more and my tears had slowed, I leaned back and inhaled a shuddering breath.
Cruz inspected my features with a concerned look that tugged on my heart. “Any better?” he asked, swiping his thumb under my eye.
I nodded and dried my cheeks with my hands. “Is that why you kept looking at me in the car? You thought I was going to lose it while you were driving?”
“I would have pulled over to give you a minute, but it was more important to put some distance between us and them.”
Always prioritising our needs, even under pressure. “Do you think they’ll come after us?” Of the remaining two men, I'd seen Cruz shoot one of them in the knee, and the dead looked to have been surrounding the other as we left. If a miracle happened and someone managed to make it back to base, we still had a huge headstart.
I felt safe-ishfor the first time today.
"I doubt the last two would have made it, which means the rest of the group will never know what happened—or that we were involved."
His words inspired confidence, but his gaze roamed over me in a way that had stress building inside me again. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
His fingers moved absently across my hip, toying with the hem of my t-shirt. "I did some things today that I hoped I wouldn't have to do—especially in front of you."
My heart flip-flopped at his gravelly tone. The entire afternoon had been an assault on my senses; the shocking sound of gunfire, the smoke and decay, the violence and threats to both my life and Cruz's.
Yes, he'd killed people… but he'd given them fair warning to back off before he fired each shot. "Are you struggling with what you did," I asked, "or what I might think of you now after seeing what you did?"
He stared at me for a moment before answering. "Killing those clowns was unfortunate and unavoidable," he said. "I'm not second-guessing my decisions. You're the only one I care about, and I dragged you through a lot of shit today. I'm just hoping you haven't changed your mind about me."
My eyes stayed locked on his, and I gave a shallow shake of my head. "At least not in the way you think."
"In what way?" His voice had roughened further, and his hand slid upward to rest between my shoulder blades.
“It shocked me,” I continued, choosing my words carefully. "It was upsetting and confronting and I wish we could have avoided it, butyoudon’t scare me. We live in a different world now—and all it did was show me you’ll do whatever it takes to keep me safe.”
His eyes turned warm with affection. He held my gaze for a long moment. “Whatever it takes.”
As the original tension between us eased, a different kind seeped in to take its place, making me uncomfortably aware of all the little details, like the thickness of his black lashes, the scruff lining his jaw, the tiny shards of honeycomb in his espresso coloured eyes. I hadn't seen him this close before, not in a way that allowed me to truly study him. We'd been so busy scavenging, running from the infected or fighting for our lives. Now it was just us.
