‘Where did you go?’
‘Everywhere.’ He shrugged. ‘I travelled all round Europe and the UK.’
‘You didn’t stay in one place?’ It was almost comical the way Anna was gradually processing the information except all he could remember was the blind pain of trying to lose himself.
‘That generally is the idea of a camper van. You know, like being a snail, you take everything with you wherever you go,’ he said as nonchalantly as possible, as if it were no big deal when actually it had been BFD. At the time he’d craved solitude, and for the first month he drove from one place to the next each day, without even thinking about it.
Anna stared at him. ‘I didn’t know.’
‘Of course you didn’t. No one did. I didn’t want anyone to find me. I was a mess.’
He swallowed the ugly lump of shame at his weakness and fought back with anger.
‘What did I ever do to make you think that what we had didn’t mean anything to me? Why are you so convinced that I’m some sort of playboy who doesn’t take anything or anyone seriously? Was I ever unfaithful? What was it I did to make you doubt me? Because I promise you, Anna, I have no fucking idea what I did wrong.’
She drew in a sharp breath as if he’d physically struck her.
But now he couldn’t stop. He pushed on, though he was disgusted with himself for dredging it all up. ‘Can you even tell me? Do you even know?’ He’d told himself being friends would be enough, that he didn’t need to know, but he’d been lying to himself. Now he felt a little sick. What had he done? What was the point of bringing up the past?
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.’
Then he felt Anna’s hand on his arm. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said so softly that he almost believed her. He relaxed his jaw a little but couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
‘I was a coward. I left you before you could leave me.’
He turned taken aback by her admission. ‘I was never going to leave you.’
She let out a breath. ‘I was too young and stupid to realise that at the time. I convinced myself you would. Especially when that girl came on the scene.’
‘But why? What did I do that made you think I’d go?’
Anna laughed without mirth. ‘Have you looked in the mirror? Handsome, charming. Every girl looked twice at you. It was only a matter of time before you moved on. And you always defended her, said she was just a friend.’
‘She was just a friend.’ The dully spoken words stabbed with all the pain of a dull spoon. ‘Did you think so little of me?’
‘Not of you, of me. I didn’t think I was enough to hold on to you.’
‘But…’ Leo’s confusion made him fumble for words. ‘But … we were married. I thought that … I made vows to you. Promises. I loved you. I love you.’
‘But we were too young. We didn’t know each other.’
‘I knew that I loved you. That you were enough.’ He swallowed. ‘Maybe I wasn’t enough for you.’
‘Of course you were. You were too much for me. Everyone loved you. You made friends easily. Everything came easily and I thought when it didn’t, you would go.’
‘But you weren’t prepared to wait and find out. You bailed … on me. On you.’
‘Yeah,’ she said in a sad voice. ‘I did. But it would have happened in the end.’
‘So you’re fully qualified with a crystal ball, are you?’
‘Leo, I saved us some time. It would have happened eventually.’
‘And it never occurred to you to share your concerns.’
‘I did…’ Her voice was barely a whisper. ‘With my family.’
He shook his head, unable to say the words. He might love her but she was never going to love him, not all in.
