Hannah stared at her. ‘I can’t.’ She watched the hen pecking the food, her feathers bristling and shaking in greedy ecstasy.
‘Of course you can’t,’ agreed Adrienne, with surprising alacrity, and then she added, ‘if you don’t want to.’ Her expression held a touch of smugness.
The forthright words were like a punch to the stomach and Hannah felt a little winded by them. In that one brief sentence, Adrienne had thrown all of Hannah’s well-constructed defences and arguments up in the air, scattering them like the hen’s grain on the floor around them. Hannah rolled the ball of one foot on top of a piece of grain, forward and back, irritated and thoughtful at the same time, unwilling to look up.
‘If you want something badly enough, most of the time you can make it happen,’ said Adrienne with a touch of sharpness.
Did that include making someone love you? The thought darted into her head like a strike of lightning. Hannah looked up and caught Adrienne’s eye. Did she know? Or was, ‘most of the time’, the get-out clause? Could she take a risk? What would Conor say if she told him she was going to stay? Would he think she expected something from him? Did she? That first night after they’d been kayaking he’d made it quite clear that whatever was between them had a sell-by date, but what if it didn’t? For the dozenth time she recalled that moment in the bar when she’d thought Conor might say something more. Had that been wishful thinking?
Adrienne looked out over the land and the two of them stood in silence for a minute before she turned to Hannah. ‘When I first came here, my husband thought I was mad for wanting to do this,’ she said as she swept a hand towards the horizon. ‘He humoured me at first until he saw that it was what I really wanted. And I really wanted it. I wanted this land, this way of life to be a legacy for my family. Yes, it was hard work, and when he died it was even harder but I was determined. I made sacrifices, perhaps some might say to the detriment of my children sometimes, but they’ve been well loved. I might not have been the best mother in the world but, rather selfishly, I knew that they had the best grandparents. I’ve built them that legacy. It was what I wanted and I’ve made it happen. If you want to stay in Ireland, what really is stopping you?’
Adrienne held Hannah’s gaze and Hannah tilted her chin and stared back. A dozen reasons why she couldn’t stay rose to skirt the tip of her tongue but that little voice, the voice of Ireland Hannah, persisted.
What if she did stay?Hannah looked out across the farm. It was such a beautiful place.
‘If you wanted, I’m sure we could find you a job. We can still make a cook of you, too.’
Hannah laughed as Adrienne’s words trailed off doubtfully.
‘Adrienne, that’s a lovely offer but you know as well as I do that I’m never going to be a cook. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot and I’m coming around to your way of thinking about our food and where it comes from, but I don’t have your passion, Jason’s skill, Fliss’s determination, or Alan and Meredith’s love of food. And much as I’ve loved being here, my job is important to me…’ her words died.
‘Could you live here?’
Hannah caught her lip between her teeth. What was stopping her? Really?
‘It’s a… a big risk.’
‘Is it?’ Adrienne asked with one of her insightful knowing looks. ‘What is it you’d be losing?’
Hannah winced, but was grateful for Adrienne’s blunt questions. What did she have to lose? Her flat? The place that she slept in rather than lived in. Her job? She’d been headhunted a dozen times in the last year and then there was Aidan. In the short term she could perhaps cover Sorcha’s maternity leave. The dazzling thought blossomed in her head.
There was nothing to stop her. She could go anywhere. Why not Ireland? Why not Kerry?
The idea shimmered in her head like an elusive butterfly that she was almost too afraid to reach out and capture for fear of damaging its wings. But what about Conor? How would he react if she decided to stay?
‘Ah, look at the time, I must be away and see how Jason is doing with his beloved pigs. If he didn’t need to go back and show his boss what he can do, I’d be tempted to invite him to stay too. He has a way with those boys but he has his own destiny to fulfil. He’s going to a great chef one day. I feel it all the way to my bones.’ She smiled and began to walk briskly away, and then paused. ‘You should think about staying. Think about what you have to lose and what you have to gain.’ And with her usual cryptic smile, she disappeared.
‘Well that was helpful,’ said Hannah to herself, shooing Attila away from her foot. The hen squawked and gave her foot one last jab before striding off to scold and peck at one of the other chickens who’d had the effrontery to attempt to pick up a piece of broccoli in her path. She took her phone out of her pocket and dialled Aidan’s number.
Chapter Twenty-Four
‘Are you all right, Hannah?’ asked Meredith at lunchtime.
Hannah winced. ‘Yes. A lot on my mind, that’s all.’ Inside her head it was like a blinking tennis match, with Ireland and England Hannah battling things out. At the moment, Ireland Hannah was absolutely trouncing England Hannah. Game set and match to staying in Ireland, which was crazy, wasn’t it?
Aidan hadn’t paused to think about her question as to whether he’d been serious about offering her a job. His actual words were, ‘Yes, yes, yes and when can you get your arse down here already to discuss the details?’
He’d even reassured her that a lot of the law was the same, as much of it was set in place when Ireland was part of the United Kingdom until 1922.
‘You do seem a bit distracted. I did wonder when I saw you putting the flour in the fridge.’ She laughed. ‘That’s the sort of thing I do but that’s thanks to menopause fog, which I’m pretty sure you’re a bit young for. You’ve all that joy ahead of you.’ She rolled her eyes.
‘Mmm,’ said Hannah, wondering for a minute what she might buy here if she sold her flat in Manchester. She could have chickens. A vegetable patch. A herb garden.
And since when had she wanted a herb garden?
What would Mina think? Stupid question. Mina would be wholeheartedly in favour. And Aidan’s enthusiastic response had steeled her nerve. Nerves gripped her gut. What about Conor? What would he say? She felt a little sick, trying to imagine his reaction. Would he be pleased or shocked? Would he still want her? Could she really stay in Kerry if he didn’t want her? He’d signed up for a fling thing, not an open-ended thing. But was she forcing his hand if she announced she was staying? That was changing the rules they’d agreed.
When she returned through a grey misty mizzle to the cottage early that afternoon, Conor was waiting for her with a big grin on his face, as if he were harbouring a surprise.
