“You can tell me the truth, Mom. I know I hurt you. And I might get angry, but I won’t run away. Not again.”
I opened my eyes as a tear ran down my cheek. I shook my head and stood up. “Let’s go back to the kitchen. This conversation will need something to drink.”
I left Cian’s office, trusting that Maddie would follow me. I went to the coffeepot, and Maddie stopped me.
“Neither of us wants coffee.” I chuckled at her tone. And watched as she reached under a cabinet to pull out the kettle. I didn’t know Cian even had a kettle.
Maddie filled it with water and placed it on the stove, turning the burner on high. I didn’t say a word as she moved around the kitchen grabbing two teacups, which I also didn’t know he had.
She walked to the pantry and came back with a container filled with tea bags of different flavors.
“I didn’t know he had tea,” I said softly, again feeling inadequate. My whole life I’d felt like I was on the cusp of being perfect, only for my father and my husband to remind me of my downfalls.
I’d spent my entire marriage being a housewife, yet in the weeks I’d been living with Cian I hadn’t done any of the things I normally would do, other than making dinner and cleaning up after.
I was lost in a world of confusion and indecision. Did Cian want me to be the wife I was to Nolan? I was still Maddie’s mom, but she didn’t need me the way she had when she was growing up.
Did anyone really need me?
Was that the problem I was having?
I didn’t feel needed?
My mother passed away a few years ago. She was still young, only seventy years old. Her heart had given out. The doctors said she had an undiagnosed condition. I’d become an orphan at forty-eight years old. I thought at my age I would be taking care of my elderly mother or helping my daughter take care of my grandchildren.
I didn’t have either.
I was lost. Like Maddie, I felt like I didn’t have a purpose.
“He didn’t for a long time. But I used to come see him when I needed to talk. When I mentioned that I preferred tea, the next time I came over he had all this.” Maddie shrugged.
I was happy that she and Cian were so close, but her words were bittersweet. She went to him instead of me. I was her mother. I should have been her best friend.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.” I wiped away a tear and turned away.
“Mom, no, that’s not what I meant.” Maddie grabbed my arm and pulled me back. “You have always been there for me. There were just some things I couldn’t trust Nolan with.” I nodded, understanding what she meant, but she explained anyway. “It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you. He just had a way of finding thingsout. I never once believed you’d tell him things I didn’t want you to. But...”
When she paused, I asked, “But what, Maddie?”
“I sometimes wondered if the house was bugged.”
My eyes went wide, and I felt the blood drain from my face. “Oh my God.”
I walked away from Maddie.
“I’m sorry, Mom, I didn’t mean to—” I waved away her concern, cutting off her words. I knew what she thought.
“The only reason I’m upset is that I didn’t fuckin’ think of that.”
Especially after Cain confessed to bugging my father’s house. It made sense, though. Nolan became paranoid after Sal killed our father. And he always knew when I was lying.
It was stupid things, like who I had lunch with, or why I didn’t get something cleaned, or the laundry done. He always knew the truth.
The whistle of the kettle blared into the quiet. Maddie quickly filled our cups and brought them to the table. I absently added sugar to my cup as my mind raced with all the times Nolan knew I was lying.
He’d taken great joy in telling me he knew the truth and even greater joy in disciplining me for lying to him.
“Maddie, there is a lot you don’t know.” I lifted my cup and blew across the top of the liquid before taking a sip, letting the hot tea soothe me inside and out. “I knew Cian was your father. I’ve always known. But I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell anyone.”
