She pulled me against her and my arms went from my waist to hers. She rubbed my back, the way a mom would comfort her daughter, and I cried into her shoulder.
“Why can’t he just love me?” I asked out loud, not expecting an answer. I was thankful she didn’t try to give me one. Maureen wasn’t the type of woman to blow smoke up your ass to make you feel better.
She told it like it was. So, when she said, “Because he’s an asshole,” I couldn’t help but laugh.
“He is an asshole.” I gave her a watery smile, and she grinned back.
“Come on. Coffee and a cinnamon roll will make life bearable.”
We sat down to eat in silence. I was so tired of King’s mixed signals. He wouldn’t touch me. Well, he wouldn’t kiss me. He wouldn’t make love to me. But he came to me at night to hold me.
It started not long after we met. Then last night, he called me his old lady. For years he had chased me. Protected me from others only to play with me. Never holding on to me for long but never letting me go either.
We never spoke about the nights he knocked on my door. Never put our relationship into words. I still didn’t understand the dynamics.
He posted Johnny in the bar. Chasing off every guy who smiled at me. But he never came there himself. He never had a kind word for me unless it was at night.
When we were alone.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew what this was. It was toxic as fuck. I was living the life my mother lived.
In love with the president of a motorcycle club. One who didn’t want to be tied down. One who fucked with other women but wouldn’t fuck me.
I didn’t know how to stop the endless cycle of neglect in the light of day and attention in the darkness of night. The push and pull on my emotions. Here when he needed me. When he was emotionally vulnerable, where no one else could see.
But never truly available.
Never here when I needed him.
The warm liquid slipped down my throat and I closed my eyes against the memories. I hadn’t touched the cinnamon roll. It sat on my plate, mocking me. Telling me that even the woman who had come to mean a great deal to me in a very short time was more his than mine.
I had no one.
“Grace.”
Opening my eyes and looking at Maureen, I tried to hide what I was feeling. I thought I was making a valiant effort at tucking my emotions away.
“I know what you’re thinking. But you’re wrong. You don’t have to walk away from everything you’ve built here. You can walk away from him.”
I laughed at her. I couldn’t help it. She didn’t understand what I was going through. Maureen had gotten married at eighteen. Maybe the man she married wasn’t the love of her life, but they loved each other enough to be faithful.
To build a life together.
And when he died, he loved her enough to send her to the man who was meant to take his place. Now she had a second chance at a greater love. A love women dreamed about. To have someone so consumed by you that they would give anything to make you happy.
“I can’t have a life here without him in it. He won’t let me. And if I’m being completely honest with you and myself, I don’t want a life without him in it.”
“So, what’s different now?” she asked, taking a sip of her coffee, her eyes never leaving mine.
The kitchen door creaked, and I turned to find King standing there, watching me. The truth was, I did have a relationship with King. The only one he was capable of giving me. I had my chance in the beginning to get away. I didn’t take it.
Now I was in too deep to give him up.
I loved him.
And while my heart might crack a little every time he rejected me, it would break in half if I walked away forever.
As he stepped back into the hall, I whispered, “I’m his old lady.”
