“Grace, honey, what’s wrong?”
I held the phone tightly as I unloaded on my friend. I told her everything. From the moment I came to Diamond Creek and why. I told her about the first time King came to my house in the middle of the night. I told her about Steele being my father, but not being my father, and I told her about my mother. I told her everything, then I told her about what happened with King and how wonderful it was, despite being angry with him the first time. And then I told her about yesterday. Johnny being shot, Karlyn and I being taken, and every disgusting thing they did to me while I was tied down.
I heard Amber’s sniffles and knew she was crying with me. I wished so much she were still here, but I was so happy she’d found happiness with Massacre.
“Oh, Grace.”
“I don’t know what to do, Amber. I don’t know how to fix this. I just want to run. I want to run away and hide. Every time he looks at me, I break a little more.”
“What do you see when he looks at you, Grace?”
“Sadness.”
“Pity?”
“No. He looks broken, Amber. Like he wants to cry with me.” I thought about how he let me touch him while I slept. But he didn’t touch me. “I hate that he hurts because of this.”
“Grace, talk to Haizley. She helped me so much. I hadn’t had a nightmare in years, but when Sypher showed up and I realized who he was, they came flooding back. She worked with me. Even after Mass arrived, I still met with her. I still talk to her out here.Talk to her, Grace. She helped me get through my feelings of not being good enough for him.”
I closed my eyes. Amber had hit the nail on the head. That was exactly what I was feeling. I was no longer worthy of him. I was broken, tarnished, and dirty. I’d never be whole again.
“I don’t know how, Amber.”
“You trust your family, Grace.”
“I don’t have any family, Amber. Any hope I had of a family died with Steele.”
“Grace, you have a club filled with family. And you have more here in California. Go see Johnny. I’m sure he’s as worried about you as you are about him. Don’t pull away.” Amber cursed, “Fuck, I wish I were there.”
“I wish you were here too.” I laughed. It was the first real laugh in what felt like forever. It hadn’t been more than a day or two since I last laughed, but even yesterday felt like it was years away.
“It takes time, Grace. No one expects you to bounce back. This isn’t a broken leg. There is no timeline for healing.”
“How do you heal a broken soul?” I muttered.
“Love, Grace. That’s what heals the soul. Let them love you.”
“I’ll try.”
By the time I was done talking to Amber, I was exhausted. Crawling into bed, I quickly fell asleep. When I woke up, I wasn’t alone. I didn’t know how long he had been there, but I could smell his cologne. I breathed him in as Amber’s words washed over me.
“Love, Grace. That’s what heals the soul. Let them love you.”
I wanted to let him love me. I wanted him to wrap me up in his arms, but I was afraid. I was afraid of him touching me. Not because I believed he’d hurt me; I knew he wouldn’t. But because I was afraid I would hurt him.
I didn’t want him to see me flinch. I didn’t want him to think I was afraid of him. I didn’t want to see the sadness in his eyes. But I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t flinch if he touched me. I didn’t know how I would react if he tried to kiss me.
You didn’t flinch when he kissed your forehead!
That was true. I didn’t freak out when he trapped my hand on his chest. The truth was, I prayed there was a piece of me buried deep that wouldn’t react at all to him. But that was a pipe dream. I’d known the moment he entered the room. I felt him. My body knew when he was close; it was just confused on how to feel about it.
“I know you’re awake, baby.”
I peered up at him. He was sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard. His body looked relaxed, but as soon as I looked into his eyes, I saw it.
Fear.
“Are you afraid of me?” I asked, not thinking.
