Across from her, Derek frowned. “What the hell are you talking about, Addison?”
“My resignation.” And god, it hurt just to say those words. Almost as much as it hurt to walk away from her Little ones. “I apologize for the mess I’m leaving behind, but we both know it’s for the best if I go.”
“I know nothing of the sort.”
Of course he would be stubborn. “Derek, don’t be ridiculous. Look at what I’ve done to those sweet Littles. I don’t have any more business being a professor here than I have being their Mommy.”
“Well, on that, we agree.”
Insult stabbed at her, but she swallowed it down. Pushing up from her chair, she jerked her head in a nod. “Good. I’ll have my list of suggestions to you in the morning.”
“Sitdown, Professor Renard.”
Now annoyance rose up to mingle with hurt and grief and guilt. “There’s nothing you can say to me I haven’t already said to myself, Derek. I know I fucked up.”
“Again, we agree. But clearly not in the way you think.”
“Then please, enlighten me, dear leader.”
One dark brow raised at her snark, but he didn’t call her on it. “You have just as much business being here as a professor as you do being their Mommy, because you belong in both those roles.”
“How can you say that? You heard Danny. I broke their hearts.”
“Yeah. You did. But only because you were so determined to break your own, first.”
Irritation crawled up her spine. “Could we have this conversation without speaking in riddles?”
“All right.” Rising from his chair, he rounded the desk to stand in front of her. But in his eyes she didn’t see the recrimination she’d been expecting.
She only found an understanding that made her chest ache.
“From the moment you called me, claiming you couldn’t deal with Kylie and Danny because they were Littles, I had a feeling we were going to end up here.” He held up a hand to cut off her response. “Not because you aren’t a good Mommy, but because you’ve let yourself believe a lie for so long that you’ve internalized it as truth. Addison, what happened with Deanna wasn’t solely your fault. Did you screw up, as a lover, as her Mommy? I’m sure. But the thing is, weallmess up from time to time. I’ve spent years watching you, observing how you interactwith your students and the submissives you’ve played with in the Dungeon. And do you know what I’ve seen?”
“What?”
“A woman who cares deeply about the people she’s responsible for. An excellent communicator, an incredible Domme, and a kind, loving person. All traits of a really great Mommy.”
“But I broke them,” she whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. “I tried so hard and I still broke them.”
“Because you were too scared to love them the way all three of you deserve. What do you think would have happened if you’d stayed in that hotel in Bozeman? If you’d actuallytalkedto them instead of just walking away?”
“I… don’t know.” Which was, she had to admit, more than a little humbling to confess.
“Neither do I. But if I had to guess, you would have fought some, Danny probably would have said some more uncomfortable things. And then you would have apologized for not listening and he would have apologized for the things he said. You would have given Kylie the cuddles and reassurance she needed and then you would have sent them back to the Ranch with red, sore bottoms because regardless of how good Danny’s intentions were he still broke the rules you gave him.”
“Maybe.” Despite the fact she could see that scene in her head so fucking clearly, she dug her heels in. “And then it would have just been a matter of time before I hurt them again.”
“Addison.” Sighing heavily, Derek rubbed at a spot between his eyes. “Are you under the impression that being a good Mommy means never making mistakes?”
“Of course not. Everyone makes mistakes.”
“Then why are you so determined to keep paying for yours?”
She opened her mouth to argue, then snapped it shut again. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe because you don’t think you deserve those two very sweet Littles who absolutely adore you?”
Well, duh.“I don’t deserve them.”
