“Exactly,” he said. “Now you understand where I’m coming from. This would be such a sweet life, but it feels like a dream. And dreams don’t last very long in the real world.”
Chapter 18
Chay was a bit moody, and they didn’t finish the game of rummy. Instead he went to his office to work, even though he’d said he didn’t have to. She got it. She knew she’d pushed too hard, but at the end of the day she’d do it again. Gracie woke up in a melancholy mood, just wanting a bottle and to cuddle with Ava, which Ava had no problems with.
Chay had had a point when he’d asked her if she was going to be okay with being on the outside of raising Gracie. She didn’t think she was. That was part of fostering, and her parents and the social workers she’d talked to had been very clear that it was difficult not to get attached. And Ava had done a pretty good job up until now.
It would be easy to make an excuse for herself and say that it was all down to the fact that she was falling for Chay and Gracie was related to him. The two of them would be forever entwined in her mind and heart. So yes, she’d pushed to see how far she could go. See what it would take to break Chay.
He was so unbreakable when it came to everything. He rolled with whatever life threw at him. She knew it was because of his childhood. She got that he’d had grown up with a barrier around his emotions because that was the only way he would survive.
It was all well and good for her to be like,trust me, this baby will bring you the family you’ve always wanted. But the truth was she had no crystal ball. Chay was right to be cautious. Ava knew she could use some caution herself, but she wasn’t built that way.
She finished readingGoodnight Moonand Gracie finished her bottle. Ava set her on the blanket while she stoked the fire and moved to the kitchen to wash the bottle. She heard the rumble of Chay’s voice from the living room.
Peeking out at them, she saw he was down on the floor lying on his side next to the baby. He was talking to her, and she stared up at him with such rapt attention on her face, hanging on every word he said.
Pulling her phone from her back pocket, she zoomed the camera in and took a few photos of the two of them. This was why she’d poked at him about Gracie. Chay didn’t see his own expression when he was around the baby, but the bond between them was already there. Already strong.
Ava had to back off and give him space to find that on his own—she knew that. She could do it, even if her instincts were at war with that course of action. She had to do it at work all the time. Everyone healed in their own time.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“Not really. Haven’t done much today,” he admitted.
“Me, either. Wish the snow would let up so we could go for a walk.”
“Yeah, that would be nice,” he said.
Her heart hurt a little as they exchanged pleasantries like strangers. This was her work. This was what came of her pushing so hard at him. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“What I said when we were playing cards.” Apologizing wasn’t enough. They’d had this discussion before, and each time he’d showed her his boundaries and she’d ignored him.
Going over near the edge of the blanket, she looked down at him and Gracie. “I have a lot of respect for you, Chay. I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to force you into a situation. I just…when I see you two together, I feel like you are meant to befather and daughter. This little girl who has no one and the man who needs someone.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. They were too real. Who wanted to hear that their vulnerability was out there for everyone to see?
“I…thank you. I do need someone. But my needs can’t come before hers. I don’t want to do something selfish and end up hurting her in the long run,” he admitted. Gracie reached out and grabbed his finger, pulling it to her mouth to suck on it.
“That’s always the hardest part in every decision, isn’t it? Hoping that you made it for the right reasons.”
“Never really knowing if you did,” he finished. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re pushing me, but I’m stubborn. You’re never going to make me do something I don’t want to. I might not like talking about it, but I know you are doing it from a good place.”
The breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding exhaled in a long rush. She went to sit down next to him. He snagged his arm around her waist, tugging her off balance until she was sitting on his lap with Gracie in front of them.
She was happily mumbling something while she played with Chay’s hands. Ava was overwhelmed again. Wanted this to be real so badly that she wasn’t entirely sure what she was going to do when this ended. When Gracie moved on to her forever family and Chay… What was the future with Chay?
She’d spent most of her time trying to figure out how to convince him to adopt Gracie, never really thinking about what she truly wanted for herself.
“Want to try to teach me rummy again?” he asked. “I’d really love to kick your butt at it.”
She nodded. Anything to get out of her head and try to find some feelings of normalcy in this world where it was just thethree of them. This world that she wasn’t sure she wanted to ever end.
She’d stay here with him if he asked her. But Chay wouldn’t. The man who’d been abandoned and left behind was never going to ask anyone to stay with him. He wouldn’t let himself be that vulnerable.
Gracie was napping again, and Chay was quietly working with a notebook and his laptop. The power had stayed on, but they both knew it was only a matter of time before it went off for good.
