“I have a box of the microwave stuff in the cupboard.”
He went to fix the popcorn while she bathed Gracie and got her into her pj’s. She gave her a bottle, holding her in her arms as the baby fell asleep. Chay joined her, holding the popcorn on his lap, his other arm around her.
Trying to be normal when he felt anything but was a struggle. Of course, having Ava and Gracie in his home was at once the best thing in the world and not. He felt like he was on some sort of repeat loop where his mind warred with his emotions. He wanted them both in his life, had spoken that to the universe,but he also was afraid that whatever was flawed or broken in him would show up.
Ava would see it and leave and take Gracie with her. To be honest, in his mind the two of them were a package deal, which he knew had no basis in rational thought, but who ever said feelings were based in reason?
“What are you thinking about?” she asked him.
“Nothing.”
“Oh, you’ve definitely got something on your mind. Your face is so serious right now.”
“I was thinking that rational thinking and relationships don’t really go hand in hand,” he admitted.
Gracie was solidly out like a light. Chay reached for her after putting the popcorn on the floor next to the couch. Ava handed her over. “Let me put her to bed first.”
This conversation was the one they should have had yesterday instead of him dodging her. He wanted to talk this out. Most of his fears were alleviated when he took the time to get them out of his head. There was no way to every fix that abandoned part of him that felt if he’d been better at something, his mom would have stayed.
Because it wasn’t rational.
But Ava was different. The situation with Gracie was more charged and complex than he wished it was. He had to sort this out so he could figure out if they were going to become more than what they were right now.
A couple who both cared for a baby who was only in their care temporarily. Or…were there seeds of something more?
He put Gracie in her bed, dropped a kiss on her forehead and then tucked her in. The snow clouds he’d seen earlier had delivered, and steady flakes were falling around his cozy home.
When he got back to the living room, Ava had moved to stand by the glass door, looking out at the snow.
“It’s so pretty,” she said.
The non sequitur was her way of letting him off the hook if he didn’t want to talk. He was beginning to read her and understand her. It was hard to separate Ava from the therapist she was. Her techniques that probably helped her patients also were employed in her daily life.
He got that. He could use a therapist. Maybe he should start his sessions up with Ms. Doogan again. But he hated to admit that he hadn’t been fully healed. Would have to acknowledge that the last few years he’d been drifting in a haze. Not really living but more existing.
“It is,” he said, coming up behind her and putting his arms around her.
She put her hands on his forearm, holding him lightly.
“You don’t have to talk to me,” she said softly.
“I want to,” he admitted. There was a faint reflection of the two of them in the glass door. “I just… Let me spit it all out. I’m not looking for you to fix me.”
“Good, because you are not broken.”
“We are all broken,” he said. “Even you.”
He felt her finger stroking his arm. “You’re so right. It’s just easy to believe that I’ve patched over those pieces that don’t quite line up.”
“Same, which I was doing a damned good job of until you, Ms. Colton.”
“Moi?”
“Yup.” Oh, this was harder than he’d thought it would be. “A part of me just wants to let go of the caution and see where this leads, but the bigger part of me isn’t sure. I think my parents might have been like that. And when my dad died, my mom was rudderless. It’s like without her partner, she was lost.”
She tried to turn in his arms, but he held her still. Not yet. He didn’t want to see her face when he finished what he had yet to say.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt anyone the way she was hurt or the way she injured me. It was an easy promise to keep, because most people are put off by my gruff manner.”
