We both chuckle, and he moves back. He looks around, taking in the center that glows in the afternoon sunlight. “It’s going to be amazing,” he says, his voice filled with something like wonder.
“Yes, and it’s all down to you.”
He shakes his head. “That’s the nice thing—everyone’s making it work together.”
“That’s true, but the dream is yours, Archer. You have the vision, and the ability to put it into practice, too. You’re amazing.”
He returns his gaze to me and cups my face. “Thank you, that was a lovely thing to say.”
“I mean it, and I’m not afraid to say it. You are amazing.” I hesitate. “I’m glad I’ve been here from the beginning. I want to help you make this place a success. I want to… you know… help, and be a positive influence. Not a negative one.”
He frowns. “You could never be a negative influence on me. Don’t even think that.”
I let him kiss me, wanting to believe he’s right. For some reason, though, Jude’s words on Valentine’s Day loom in my brain.You used to be such fun. I hadn’t realized I was carrying them around with me like rocks in my backpack until now.
I promise myself I won’t drag Archer down. I’ll be fun and bright and breezy and sexy, the person he turns to when his life is tough and he needs some light relief. My relationship with Jude might have gone wrong, but the important thing is that I learn from it, and that I don’t make the same mistakes again.
*
On Sunday, it’s my middle sister’s birthday, and the family has a barbecue around the pool at my parents’ place. It’s only when we’re a few hours into it that I realize I could have asked Archer to come withme. But it would have meant introducing him to everyone and answering a thousand questions, and I don’t feel ready for that yet.
Normally I enjoy our family get-togethers, but there’s a strange atmosphere today. Donna’s baby is four months old, and my parents are cooing over her, as fascinated and reverential as if she’s the Ark of the Covenant. Which is understandable, of course, but I’m cross that Mum especially can’t see how it makes Kim retreat even more into herself. Simon’s there, but he ends up getting drunk with Donna’s husband, and it’s clear that things between them are deteriorating.
I’m not feeling great, either, tired to the point of exhaustion, and after one glass of wine I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open. So I stay as long as is polite, and then make my excuses and leave on my bike.
I could go over to Archer’s, but I know he was seeing Isaac for a beer this evening to talk over the work at the center, so in the end I send him a text saying I’ll catch up with him tomorrow and bike home.
As I arrive, Archer replies to my text with a short,No worries, miss you, take care xx, so I’m guessing he’s still at the bar with Isaac. I let myself into the cottage, feeling a little flat, and tired of my emotions being so up and down. Cross with myself, I make a cup of hot chocolate and watch TV for a while, but I keep dozing off, so in the end, even though it’s only nine p.m., I lock up, go to bed, and crash out.
The next morning, I wake a little bleary-eyed to my alarm at seven, stumble out to the kitchen, and put the coffee machine on. I feel a little queasy, so I slot some bread in the toaster, wondering if it’s because I didn’t eat much last night and my stomach’s empty.
While I wait for the coffee to fill the cup, I retrieve my pill packet from the cupboard, the same way I do every morning. I’m on the mini pill, which the doctor recommended because I have endo, as it reduces the severity of my periods, which were brutal before I started taking it. It’s also supposed to take less time for your cycle to return to normal when you eventually want children. That was one reason I decided to use it, for when Jude and I decided to start trying for a baby. Little did I know… I’m not going to think about that now, though.
The pills come in packs of twenty-eight, and I normally start a new pack every fourth Monday, which happens to be today. I go to open the box, then see the last sheet still sticking out the top of it. I pull it out, wondering why I left the empty sheet in there.
There’s one pill left.
I blink and stare at the packet. Obviously I’ve made a mistake and got the day wrong. I check on my phone, sure as I do that I’m right because I’m back at work today. No, it’s definitely Monday.
I turn the sheet over. The days of the week are printed on the back of each pill, but I have to admit that I don’t normally look at them; each morning I just pop out the next pill and take it. The remaining one says Sunday, but I definitely took one yesterday morning. I must have missed one earlier in the week, completely forgotten about it, and just continued the next morning with the one I missed, making me a day out.
I sit slowly on the bed.
How on earth did that happen?
I think back, wondering how I could have missed one. It’s true that the past few weeks have been crazy, but even so… every morning since being at the cottage I’ve woken up and taken a pill with my breakfast. I’msureI haven’t missed one.
And then I remember the night I stayed at Archer’s house. The next morning, Jude turned up, and when I walked out I was a mess emotionally. I went back to the house and packed all my stuff, and I remember going into the bathroom and putting all my medication into the washbag with my makeup. That would have included my pills—and I didn’t even think about the fact that I hadn’t taken that morning’s because I didn’t have breakfast.
I force myself to breathe normally and stay calm. It doesn’t mean anything will happen. I have to take them within a three-hour window, and I’ve been late maybe a couple of times over the past few years before remembering in a panic, and nothing’s ever happened. It’s one reason why I’ve assumed I’ll be like Kim and have trouble conceiving. But I’ve never forgotten one completely before.
The last time I slept with Jude was on January the twenty-first. I know because it was his brother’s birthday. Jude and I hadn’t been getting on, but we’d had a nice evening, and when we came home we had sex for the first time since Christmas. But that was before my last period.
The only person I’ve had sex with since then is Archer.
I’m on the pill, I told him that night.I trust you, and you can trust me. Oh… shit. Surely I wouldn’t be that unlucky.
No, it’s not going to happen. My endo is moderate, not mild like Donna’s. And Kim once said that at school sex ed classes they talk as if you only have to look at a boy and you can get pregnant, but in reality, for women like us, it’s a thousand times more difficult than that. It’s not going to happen because I missed one pill.
