“What about kitchen stuff?” he asks. “Furniture?”
“The cottage is fully furnished. I don’t need any of that.”
“Half of it is yours.”
I zip the backpack up. “When I know what I’m doing, we can go through everything else, if you want. Right now, I just want to take my personal things.” I straighten and face him.
We study each other for a moment. My original idea was to sit down with him and try to talk calmly about where we go from here, but I discover that I don’t want to sit. The sun is low in the sky and normally I’d put the lights on, but I don’t move. The house is filled with shadows, and it makes me feel sad and depressed. I just want to get out.
“I’m sorry,” Jude says.
My heart bangs on my ribs. “What for?”
“For hurting you today.”
I don’t know what I was expecting him to say. Maybe that he was sorry for not showing me enough affection. For not making me feel wanted or desired. For not saying he loved me enough. It feels as if there’s a great chasm between us, and he’s trying to span it with a rope bridge. It’s not enough, and I just nod curtly.
“You look as if you’ve lost weight,” he says.
I haven’t had much appetite over the past few days, and I realize that I haven’t eaten today either. “Not been hungry.” I clear my throat. “About the rent… the lease is up at the end of May, right?” He nods. “How about if I pay my half until then, and after that, if you decide to stay, we get the landlord to remove me from the tenancy. Does that sound fair?”
He nods again. That’s a relief. It means I have three more months’ rent to find, but I have some savings and should be able to manage that. Technically, if he were to refuse to pay his half, the landlord could come after me, but Jude is a good guy, and I don’t think he’d do that to me.
“Do you love him?” he asks. “Archer, I mean, not the landlord.”
I blink. I wasn’t expecting that, and I can’t raise a smile at his half-joke. “I don’t want to talk about Archer,” I say, my voice husky. “He doesn’t have anything to do with this.”
“Strange,” he says. “That’s what he said.”
My eyebrows rise. “You saw him?”
“Yeah. He came in to check on the dog.”
“How did it go?” I ask cautiously.
“We didn’t resort to a fist fight again, if that’s what you mean.”
“How did you end things?”
“He told me he loves you.” He says it flatly.
I inhale and hold my breath for a moment. “Oh…” Warmth creeps up my neck into my face.
“You blush for him,” he says softly. “How romantic.” There’s a touch of a sneer in his voice.
I stiffen. “Maybe if you’d told me you loved me once in a blue moon, we wouldn’t be in this position.”
“Remind me what the necklace I bought you said?”
I flush. “I know what it said. But I didn’tfeelit, Jude.”
He purses his lips. Then, to my surprise, he says, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” The words are out before I can vet them, and I curse myself. I don’t want to sound pleading. But it’s a genuine, heartfelt question. “Did you ever love me?”
“I don’t know.”
His honest answer shocks me. “Because of Chrissie?” I whisper.
