He huffs through his nose, a disparaging snort. “Yeah. Blame the guy, as usual.”
“What? What are you talking about?” I’m getting angry now, and my head’s banging.
“I don’t want kids,” he says.
We fall quiet. The sun has nearly set, and shadows are creeping across the paddocks. Behind us, the music and laughter feels faked and forced, like a soundtrack someone is playing to try and cheer us up. A mosquito flutters past out of the corner of my eye; Jude is going to get bitten, because he always does, but at this moment I don’t care.
I feel as if he’s physically slapped me, or punched me in the stomach, and it hurts just as much.
I blink. “What?”
“You never thought to ask me,” he says. “All this time you’ve been babbling about babies and getting pregnant and when we’re going to start and how many kids we’re going to have. You haven’t once asked me whether I want them. Well, I don’t. Kids are a drain on your finances and a pain in the ass. I don’t want to give up my freedom, and I’m certainly not going to end up like Simon, as a baby-making machine. Life’s stressful enough without introducing the struggle to conceive and everything that comes with it.”
My heart hammers. “What are you saying?”
“I can’t be what you want, Beth.” His eyes hold resignation and defeat as he meets my gaze.
“So that’s it?” I say softly. “You won’t even talk about it? There’s no chance of compromise?”
He shakes his head. “If you want children, you’re going to have to find someone else to have them with.”
We stare at each other for a moment. Is he expecting me to say I change my mind? That I want him more than I want children?
I don’t say anything. Eventually, he gives a short, humorless laugh. He looks away at the ocean. Then he turns and strides back toward the Quad.
I twitch and go to follow him, but his parting words keep my feet planted to the ground.
Technically, I suppose I’ve never asked him the straight question, “Do you want kids?” But the subject has been in the air for most of the time we’ve been together. We’ve talked about Kim, and pregnancy, and conceiving, and how difficult the process can be. He’s had plenty of opportunities to tell me he doesn’t want children.
The worst part is that I know he means it, and I understand why he’s saying it. Of course it’s stressful for the guy. But I thought our relationship was stronger than this. I thought he’d understand, and that he’d stay by my side when we made the decision to start a family. I didn’t realize he didn’t want one at all.
My hand rises to my throat, finding the small gold pendant in the shape of a heart that he bought me for Valentine’s Day. He put it around my neck this morning and fastened it himself. On the back it just says ‘Love J x.’
Carefully, I undo it at the back, hold the heart, and let the chain fall into my palm. Then I slip the necklace into the pocket of my jeans.
The Ark is a ball of light in the semi-darkness, glowing like a jewel. I look at my friends and colleagues, who are all having a great time, dancing and chatting, without a clue as to how my life has just fallen apart.
Turning, I walk away, down the drive, and before long the darkness swallows me whole.
Chapter Two
Archer
“We need to empty the donation station by the drinks table,” Cullen says. “It’s full.”
I glance at the rectangular Perspex box that’s filled with coins and notes, and grin. “We’ll be able to pay for the first five years at PAWS at this rate!”
“I know. People are being incredibly generous.”
“They love the Ark, and Noah. We’re lucky that he’s giving his personal blessing to PAWS. It means a lot.”
Noah King has become a pillar of the Bay of Islands community, and people trust that when he says PAWS is a worthwhile cause, he means it.
He reminds me of my father a lot. Not in age, because Noah’s only in his forties and my dad was close to seventy when he died, but in how charismatic he is. He’s a natural leader, and people react to him and look up to him as a result.
I wonder whether Noah’s children will struggle to continue their father’s legacy the same way I have, or whether they will also feel as if they always fall short.
Now’s not the time to dwell on that, however. The party is in full swing. We weren’t sure whether people would hang around after it got dark, but the place is heaving, and nobody seems keen to leave.
