I can’t believe it. “Kim…”
“Tell her what you said to him,” Jude prompts.
She sets her jaw. But then she says, “I told Simon I wish we hadn’t done the IVF. I wish I hadn’t pushed so hard.”
I press my fingers to my lips. I’m so shocked, my head is spinning. I look back at Jude, and his lips twist. He gives me a pitying glance and a slight shrug as if to say, Told you so.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I whisper. “If you’re trying to use this as evidence to support your own case, it won’t work.” My voice gets louder. “Kim is upset and hurting. Of course she’s going to say it was all a waste of time. But that doesn’t mean it’s the same as what we’re going through. It wasn’t all about kids, Jude. It was about commitment, and you making me feel as if I was permanently temporary.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “Permanently temporary?”
“You know what I mean. I always felt as if you hadn’t quite decided whether you wanted to stay with me.”
Now he looks impatient. “That’s bullshit. I was—am—fully committed to you. I’ve never cheated on you or even looked at another girl.”
His eyes are hard, direct. Oh God, does he know about me and Archer? My heart bangs, and for a moment I feel a little faint.
But then he says, “You know I hate it when you accuse me of being unfaithful.” His father cheated on his mother, and he’s ultra-sensitive about it.
I look at Kim. Her brow is furrowed, and she sighs. “You’re good together,” she says. “Don’t throw it all away like I did. Jude’s right. Stress plays a huge part in fertility, I think. Worrying about it won’t change anything. If it’s going to happen, it’ll happen. And if not… don’t let it ruin your life together.”
I don’t say anything. I feel confused and upset. I didn’t expect this turn of events, and it makes me uneasy. Yesterday, I was convinced Jude and I would never work. Not just because of him not wanting children, but because I felt he didn’t put enough effort into our relationship, and it was just too hard. But am I giving up too early? Maybe all relationships are like this. They all need work. Perhaps the blissful happiness we see at the end of a movie—the happily ever after moment—isn’t a thing in real life.
I look at Jude, remembering the arguments, how sensitive he was, how I had to tiptoe through our conversations so I didn’t upset him. How little we had sex, and how he was so unable to comfort me when I needed it.
And then I think about Archer, and the way he held me all night. The eagerness with which he made love to me, and his gentle, considerate care.
But he’s Jude’s best friend. Oh God, could I have screwed this up any more?
“I’ve got to go,” Jude says, looking at his phone. “Look, think about it, okay? I missed you last night. The house isn’t the same without you. I’m not the same. We belong together. We can work things out. I know you still have feelings for me.” He dips his head to catch my eye, his lips curving up in a sexy smile.
I bite my lip, conscious that my heart still leaps when he looks at me like that. “I do,” I admit. “But I think it’s too late to rescue this sinking ship.”
“It’s not.” He speaks firmly. “Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it.”
Suddenly, I feel overwhelmingly tired. “You say that now, but after a few weeks we’ll just fall back into the same pattern, and nothing will have changed.”
“It will, because I know now that if I don’t change, I’ll lose you, and I don’t want to do that.”
I don’t reply, feeling sullen and resentful. I want to tell him what happened with Archer, because I know that’ll draw a line under our relationship. But I can’t, not in front of Kim.
He walks over to me and bends, and I freeze, not wanting him to kiss me. He sees my reaction and pauses, then presses his lips to my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the Ark, providing you feel okay, and maybe we can talk then.”
I don’t say anything. He exchanges a glance with Kim, and then he heads over to the front door and goes out, closing the door behind him.
I stand motionless, watching through the window as he gets in his car, then reverses out and heads off down the drive. Finally, I look back at Kim.
“Thanks for the support,” I say sarcastically, unable to help myself.
She sips her tea. “I just don’t want you to throw away your relationship because you’ve seen what’s happened to me and Simon.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about last night,” I whisper.
She looks into her mug. “You’re going through enough. I didn’t want to influence you.”
“Yeah, you said that. But don’t you think it’s rather a big thing to keep to yourself?” I give her a pained look. “It’s really over? I thought you loved each other?”
Normally she’d have bit back with a feisty retort, but she just surveys me with quiet resignation. “I don’t think we do. Not the way we used to. I think what’s happened has killed what we had.”
