“I think so. I don’t know how she keeps going.”
My oldest sister has just had her fifth round of IVF—and it failed. Her excitement and hope have turned into a fixated obsession. Her husband is exhausted, and their marriage is becoming increasingly fragile. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn’t want to listen.
“I know your Mum had IVF for each pregnancy as well,” Isla says. “How many rounds did she need?”
“Three with Kim. Just one with Donna, and one with me.”
“Donna didn’t need IVF though, did she?” My middle sister recently had a baby, falling just months after they started trying.
“No, but her endo is mild. Mum’s is moderate. Kim’s is classed as severe.”
“And yours?”
“Mild to moderate.”
“So you could be like Donna and not need it?”
“Yes. We’d have to try for a year, probably, before going for IVF. I have time. I’m not even thirty yet. It’s just… I’ve seen what Kim’s been through, and I really want kids, and I have this horrible feeling I’m going to be like her, and wait too long, and end up over thirty-five and still childless.”
Isla sighs. I think most women can sympathize with the problem, even if they haven’t had trouble conceiving.
“So what does Jude say when you try to talk about it?” she asks.
“I don’t anymore. Nowadays I only have to mention Kim’s name and he bristles.”
“That’s not fair. She’s your sister, and you’re worried about her. You should be able to talk about her to your partner.”
“I know. You’re preaching to the converted. But it’s as if he sees me mentioning her each time as an accusation, as me raising the subject of us having kids.” A sudden, overwhelming tiredness sweeps over me. “He’s so… prickly. I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells all the time.”
“That’s horrible. Rob was like that.” She’s talking about her ex-husband. “There’s nothing worse than feeling as if you’re walking through a minefield, and one wrong step is going to set off a bomb.”
“Yes, that’s exactly how it feels.” It’s a relief to talk to someone who understands.
A man’s voice cuts across the Quad. “Hello? Oh! It is on. Wow, sorry guys, that was louder than I expected.”
We both turn at the sound of the voice coming through the speakers on either side. A ripple of laughter follows his words. The music has been turned down, and Archer Cole has stepped up onto a box with a microphone and is addressing the crowd.
“I won’t keep you long,” he says, jamming his free hand into the pocket of his jeans. His shoulders are a little stiff. He’s used to working one-on-one as a therapist, but I suspect he’s a little nervous using a mic. However, he speaks clearly and doesn’t mumble. “Noah’s already mentioned the Ark and how important the donations are that you’ve given so generously. I just wanted to tell you briefly about the new PAWS Therapy Center and explain how your money is helping us get on our feet.”
He starts talking about how helpful animals can be in therapy and explaining how PAWS is going to help local people both in the center and via its outreach program, with the Healing PAWS bus that will be traveling to remote villages, schools, and retirement homes to take therapy to those who need it most.
He might not be a natural public speaker, but he keeps the attention of everyone in the Quad. Part of it is his looks—he’s tall, broad-shouldered, and gorgeous, in a guy-next-door sort of way, with his ruffled dark-brown hair and neat beard, and his piercing blue eyes. But mostly it’s his manner.
Jude’s known him since his school days, and he loves him like a brother, but once, when he was drunk, he did call Archer boring. From his point of view, I understand why, because Jude is impulsive, and Archer likes to think things through before taking action. But I thought it was unfair then, and I still do. I like Archer’s calmness andthoughtfulness. I relax instinctively when he’s around and never feel as if I have to be on my guard.
In the middle of the night, when I’m lying awake looking up at the ceiling in the dark, I sometimes wonder what life might have been like if I’d met Archer first. But I don’t know if he finds me attractive in that way.
Then I think about the party at Noah’s house on New Year’s Eve, and the moment when, as I was dancing with Jude, I looked across the room and saw Archer watching us. Our eyes met, and he held my gaze for about ten seconds before he finally looked away. But in those ten seconds, his eyes said everything. He does have feelings for me. But I know he would never make a move on me while I’m with Jude, just as I would never cheat on Jude with his best friend.
I want to make it work with Jude. But it’s hard when sometimes I feel as if I’m not the one he really wants.
Oh… why do things have to be so complicated?
“He’s such a nice guy,” Isla says beside me, as Archer brings his speech to an end by telling a joke that makes everyone laugh again. “I love his passion for helping people.”
“Yeah.”
She glances at me. “He’s pretty gorgeous, too.”
