“I’m sorry you’ve been having trouble,” I say carefully. “Is it mainly the fertility issue that’s been the problem? I know it can put a huge amount of stress on couples.”
“Honestly? Not really. I mean we talked about it, but we weren’t actively trying for a baby.” She’s already talking about him in the past tense.
“But you’d discussed having children?”
She looks into her glass. “Not in so many words. It was one of the last things he said. That I never asked him. I just assumed he’d want them. I mean, like you said, I know young guys don’t always think about it, but most people assume they’ll have a family one day.” She gives me a curious look. “Do you want kids?”
“Oh yeah. When I meet the right girl.”
She completely misses the wry comment I add. “Yeah, I think most guys would say something like that. The fact that he was so adamant that he doesn’t completely threw me.”
I try not to sigh. “That must be frustrating for you.”
“Yeah.” She surveys me for a moment, thinking. I sip my whiskey and crunch on a chip, waiting. “Can I tell you something?” she asks eventually.
“Sure.”
“Obviously, I talked a lot to Kim about the fact that all the women in our family have endo. Donna didn’t have as much trouble conceiving, but it still took her close to a year. I’m on the pill—not the combined one, the mini one, because it’s supposed to make it easier for your cycle to get back to normal when you stop taking it.”
I nod, because I’ve read the same.
“Kim told me to stop taking it and start getting my cycle back to normal, so when we decided it was time to start trying, I wouldn’t have to wait. I told Jude what she’d said, and that was what started it all off.”
“He didn’t approve?”
“He completely flipped out. He took it at first that she was saying I should stop without telling him, and that I’d considered it.”
“He thought you were trying to trap him?” I’m astounded. “Didn’t he know you at all?”
Her eyes meet mine, and her lips twist. “Apparently not. I was aghast and hurt that he’d assume I’d do something like that.”
“I’m not surprised.”
She leans her head on a hand and sighs. “I’m sure relationships shouldn’t be this hard.”
“A good relationship doesn’t have to be.” I realize then I’m implying that her and Jude’s isn’t a good one. “Ah… what I mean is—”
“No, you’re right. I don’t think we had a good relationship. I was afraid of him.” My eyebrows rise, and she adds hastily, “Oh I don’tmean physically, of course. Wrong word. I mean… well, I was reluctant. Hesitant. To say things. To broach certain subjects. Sex. Kids. Money. He reacted badly to a lot of things I said, and in the end I found it easier to keep quiet. It was like living in the middle of a minefield. One wrong step and I knew everything would blow sky high.”
I don’t say anything, but once again I’m surprised. Because of my job, I would have thought that it would be easy to spot the signs of a difficult relationship, but I honestly thought they were well matched. Maybe I’ve overlooked the red flags because I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself she’s out of my reach.
I should go to bed. Leave her to finish her wine and then fall asleep, and in the morning hopefully Jude will have come to his senses and it’ll all be over, a storm in a teacup.
But clearly, she wants to talk, and I’m the only person here. And I don’t want to leave her. I rarely get to talk to her alone, and even though I’m disgusted with myself for capitalizing on their misery, I’m enjoying being close to her, and having a hundred percent of her attention.
Her gaze has been mostly distant as she replays her argument and ponders on the outcome, but now, albeit somewhat tiredly, her eyes focus on me. She surveys me quietly for a while, sipping her wine, then leaning her cheek on the hand holding the glass.
“It must be hard for you,” she says eventually.
Being in love with you? It’s excruciating.
“Why?” I ask.
“Talking to people all day, every day about their relationships, and being faced with all that unhappiness.”
I shrug. “I don’t think about it that way. People have all sorts of problems.”
“But I would imagine relationships are mostly what they come to you for.”
