“Why do you have to do it here?” I gesture toward the table, so he’ll know I’m referring back to his project. I almost immediately regret the question after I ask it. Something in me is certain his answer will bring forth more sorrow.
He hesitates for a moment before he responds.
“It’s something I can’t afford to neglect, and it requires my full attention. It’s one of my top priorities right now, and everywhere else I go, my mind drifts to memories I shouldn’t let in. I’ve tried home, the cabin, the office. I’ve even tried a room in the nursing home, but…”
“What kind of memories?” I whisper.
He glances at the floor for a few seconds before lifting his eyes back to mine. His frown deepens, and he lifts an eyebrow.
“I suspect you can figure the answer to that out pretty easily.” The words come out gentle and drip with regret.
He turns and finishes packing his bag, grabs his phone off the table, and tosses it in as well. When he’s loaded it all, he swingshis bag over his shoulder and approaches the doors to leave. He stops a few feet away from me.
“I know it changes nothing, but I need you to know that I am deeply sorry. For obvious reasons,” he gestures between him and me, “but mostly because I was so unfair to you, and I hurt you. I almost immediately got control of my thoughts that day and knew I didn’t believe that what I accused you of was possible.”
I bite my lip, an attempt to force my attention away from the whirlwind of emotions I’m experiencing.
“Then why did you say it?” I ask, just above a whisper.
He doesn’t respond right away, almost as if giving me a few seconds to decide if I truly want to know the answer to that. I tilt my head to the side and wait for him to speak.
“When I saw you with her, I lost my mind. Then you gave her an envelope like the one from work, and I remembered you coming out of the hallway by Leah’s office. My brain went straight to the thought that I had fallen for another scam. Then the words flew out. I never dealt with my feelings after everythingshedid. I already didn’t trust myself, so it was a short leap not to trust you either.”
I flinch.Shit, that hurts.
I search my mind for anything I could’ve done to make him not trust me.
“It wasn’t anything you did. It was an innate distrust I had of anybody who hadn’t been in my life and vetted for a very long time.”
He falters and turns his gaze downward.
“I don’t have many people who love me, and I hate myself when I let those who do down.” Despair and anguish fill his words, and I swear my heart cracks. I don’t understand why he can’t see it—tons of people love him.
“Harrison, you trusted someone who was deceptive. You didn’t?—”
“No, it wasn’t the first time, Bets. I failed them—or at least I’ve always believed I did—when my dad died. I know I couldn’t have done anything except be with him, but I didn’t even do that. H-he shouldn’t have been by himself. Because of me, we all have to live with the fact that he died alone.”
He walks forward and puts his hand on the door. “For what it’s worth,” he says without looking at me, “I realized I never loved her. I couldn’t have loved anybody back then anyway—and not her for sure. But I love you.” He glances over his shoulder at me. “I love you so much that every day when I wake up, you’re the first thing I think of. You’re there in my mind all day until I fall asleep. Sometimes even in my dreams. I love all of you. I know that I’m not the one for you, especially because right now, I’m a broken man. I have been for a long while. You deserve all the love and devotion someone can give. My hope for you is that the next man treats you like you’re his whole life and does a better job taking care of your heart than I did. I failed you there.”
“Harrison…”
“Bets, it’s not weak to let someone who loves you help you or to take care of you sometimes. I know it pains you that your dad was an asshole and never there, but that’s not about you. That’s about his character. You don’t always have to be the one taking care of everyone, even if you can.” He pauses and clears his throat. His voice is rough when he speaks again. “For you, I wonder if that’s gonna be the thing that will let you know when you’re with the right one—because maybe you’ll be comfortable enough to let somebody show their love for you by taking care of you in small things often and big things sometimes.”
My breath stills for a few seconds at his words. He thinks he’s not the right one for me. I’ve let him think that.
“I’m gonna go and give you your space. I love you and I always will.”
He leaves. He walks out the door after all of that, and I don’t know what to do or say. Do I go after him and talk more, or do I stay angry and hurt?
Lester has just locked the front door of the hardware store, and I do the last couple of swipes over his Formica countertop near the register to clean it up.
We walk to the back room together.
“I didn’t know Harrison would be here at the same time as you. You were a little earlier today than I expected.”
“It’s okay. It’s a small town, and I’m going to run into him here and there.”
“You wanna sit for a second and have a soda? I got a craving for a root beer.”
