Eliza leans in. “You want to tell me what’s really going on, or should I just guess?”
I try to dodge. “It’s nothing. Just office stuff. You know how it is.”
Eliza gives me that therapist look, the one that says,Don’t bullshit me, I know you. “You’re not sleeping, you’re not eating, and you look like you’re about to crawl out of your own skin. It’s not just work, is it?”
I stare at my cup, swirling the foam with the tip of my finger. “It’s complicated.”
Eliza sips, then says, “Is it about James and Brent? Because I’d bet money it is.”
A hot flush blooms up my neck. I can’t lie, but I can’t say it, either. So I just breathe.
Eliza’s voice softens. “It’s okay. I know. Everybody does, honestly. You guys haven’t been subtle, Marnie, and I swear, sometimes I’ll walk by the conference room and it sounds like a porn film going on inside. Seriously, everyone knows.”
I laugh, but it comes out as a sob. “Oh shit. Shit shit shit.”
Eliza shrugs, but then reaches across the table, taking my hand in both of hers. Her skin is warm and dry, the nails short, practical.
“James and Brent are senior partners, so it’s not like you’re going to get fired. Hell, even the firm is named after them.”
I shake my head. “But I don’t know, Eliza. I mean, things feel sooff. And things are so mixed up too because … well, I’m seeing them both, and also apart.”
My friend looks confused.
“What do you mean?”
I drop my chin, my head whirling.
“I thought this was a menage type thing, where we’d always be together, the three of us. But then I went on individual dates with Brent and James, and oh my god, I don’t know if that’s kosher. Is it against the rules?”
Eliza shakes her head, eyes wide.
“I have no idea because girlfriend, you’re asking the wrong person. But did it feel okay to you? Like do you think the men knew about the other guy’s dates, and didn’t care?”
I bite my lip, shaking my head.
“No, because the dates were both last night, so I don’t think they knew about each other. Or maybe they did? I don’t know because I’m so confused! But I have a bad feeling about this.”
Eliza nods thoughtfully. “Okay, this sounds like a seriously tangled love triangle. But do you like both of them?”
“More than like,” I admit, voice ragged. “I think I might be in love with them. Both. Which is so fucking stupid I can’t even?—”
My friend cuts me off. “No, it’s not stupid. Not even a little. But it’s a mess, for you, and for them, too.”
“I know,” I say. “I know, but?—”
“Are you happy?” my bud asks, her eyes serious. “Because that’s the important thing, Marnie. There’s nothing that matters except love, and if you love both Brent and James, then I think there’s a way out of this.”
I think carefully.
“Iamhappy with them,” I say, “and I do love both men. But sometimes, I’m just terrified. Like, every minute I’m at work I think it’s all going to explode in my face. And if dating them separately isn’t okay, then they’re going to kill each other. You don’t know Brent and James, Eliza. They can be vicious. Cold-hearted. Savage, even, and brutal.”
Eliza squeezes my hand. “No, I know that. But I think you need to figure out what you want. And you need to be honest with them and with yourself.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, warm and humiliating. “But what if I’ve already fucked up by seeing them separately?” I whisper. “Even worse, what if I don’t mean anything to them? What if I’m just a roll in the hay, a distraction until the next girl comes along?”
Eliza shakes her head, her expression fierce. “I can’t believe you’re even asking that when just a minute ago, you were talking about them killing each other while fighting for you. So youknowyou’re not a flash in the pan, Marnie. You’re sexy, smart, and incredibly lucky. You have power here, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”
“I don’t know how to use that power though,” I say in a small voice, and the shame in my tone is so raw I can barely hear myself.
