I’m not usually one to get high on a work night, but I think the only thing that’s going to help settle my mind is a weed gummy. Sometimes my brain won’t quit talking to me, and on nights like this it’s super unhelpful and depressing.
As I stand up, my phone rings.
Kip?!
I dive back onto my bed, and end up knocking my phone off, sending it flying to the floor. Scrambling over the side, I find it just underneath the bed.
Flipping it over, I sigh, it’s not Kip. It’s Mom. I debate for a solid few seconds on whether I should answer or not, but then that makes me feel like a shit son. I haven’t talked to her in weeks now. Growing up, it was just Mom and me. We’re all each other had, and now that I’ve moved away I hardly talk to her. And I haven’t been home in years.
“Hey, Mom.” I plaster on a smile when she appears on the screen.
Mom holds the phone too close up to her face, giving me a view right up her nose.
“Well hello to you too, Charles. I almost thought I didn’t have a son anymore seeing as he never calls me anymore.”
Oof, the full first name. I probably deserve that.
“Sorry…I don’t really have an excuse.” I respond quietly. There’s no point in lying to her, and there’s no excuse for me not picking up the phone to at least text her.
She pulls the phone back slightly, narrowing her brown eyes at me. It’s the only feature we have in common. The rest of me I got from my deadbeat Dad. He left when I was three, and we haven’t heard from him since. But Mom and I did just fine on our own.
“Charlie…” Mom says softly. “You look like shit. What’s going on, pumpkin?”
I snort. She’s never been one to beat around the bush. She won’t sugarcoat anything, but at least you know she’s always going to tell you the truth. Even if it hurts.
“You know, work stuff.” I sigh.
“Mhmm…and that’s all? Only work stuff? No…boy stuff?” She raises an eyebrow.
I came out to Mom when I was thirteen. She was the first person I told that I was gay. You always hear about the horrible coming out stories where the kid is kicked out of their house, disowned, bullied, or whatever else. But that never happened with me. Mom, although brash, is also loving with a huge heart. She even told me that she always knew, and was just waiting for me to tell her.
For being small, my hometown, Willowhaven, was actually really accepting, well for the most part. It’s kind of an artsy and eccentric little community. I’m grateful to have grown up somewhere like that. Minus my senior year of high school, Willowhaven was great. And even though I was desperate to move to the city once I turned eighteen, I still miss home sometimes…as long as I don’t think back to high school. Being away from home has made things clearer for me. Willowhaven was exactly that, a haven. I think about moving home sometimes, but I’m afraid at the same time. The reason I ran from there at eighteen still lives in the town, and he probably hasn’t changed.
“Okay, maybe a little boy stuff.” I grumble. “But it’s no big deal. I thought this guy and I had a connection, but now he’s ghosting me. It just kinda sucks, you know? The one time I open myself up to someone, and they leave me in the dust. I guess it’s better that it happened now than later. At least I wasn’t in love with him or anything. It was one date…or hang out…or whatever.”
“Pumpkin…” Mom replies gently. “I’m going to give you some hard truths.”
“As if I’d expect anything else from you.”
Mom stares me down through the phone. “You’re going to get hurt in life, Charlie. That’s the way things go. It’s shitty, but that’s the way it is. But if you never put yourself out there, you’re never going to experience the good things life has to offer either. I know that you have trouble opening up after what happened with Jeremy?—”
I cut her off. “Nope, nope, nope. We’re not going there Mom. This has nothing to do with that.”
“Charles Adam Benson.” Mom whips out her stern voice.
“Sorry, Mom.” I reply bashfully.
“I think that it has everything to do with that. That’s why you don’t date. That’s why you only have three friends.”
I wince. “Ouch, don’t hold back now, Mom.”
She sighs. “I’m just saying, pumpkin. There must be a reason you decided to open up to this boy. You don’t trust easily, Charlie. Even if this boy isn’t the one for you, don’t give up hope. You’ve got to put yourself out there. You deserve to find your guy.”
“Kinda hypocritical, no?” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. “Shit, Mom…”
Her eyes line with silver. Fuck, I really am the worst. She’s going to cry because of me.
“No, you’re right.” She sniffles. “Maybe you learned to be closed off from me. And maybe I should take my own advice. You know what, maybe we should take the advice together?”
