My eyes stung with tears, but I stood tall, feeling more free and brave than I had in months. “No. I made a mistake when I decided to return here. I cannot—I will not deceive any longer. I will not be the woman you taught me to be. One of your daughters managed to make an acceptable match for you, but I will not.”
Mama spoke through clenched teeth. “I made it clear that you were to keep your hand a secret until after you were married. He will never have you now!”
“And I am glad! Because I don’t want him!”
“How dare you?—”
“You do not need an advantageous match from me! Not anymore. I thought that was what I needed too, but I was wrong. I will not marry a man of your choosing. Of your—of yourrequirements.” My voice echoed in the corridor.
Mama glared at me. “I did not invest all these years, all these hours in a daughter who would become a spinster!” she screeched. “Mr. Morely has not met you.” She walked forward and gripped my shoulder. “I will invite him to dine with us next week and you will not ruin such an opportunity again.”
“No!” I pulled away and she gasped. “I mean what I say! I never should have returned to Hampshire. I miss Clara!” My throat tightened in a knot. “I miss James.” Tears dripped from my eyes and Mama threw her hands in the air with exasperation.
“Go back then! Leave!” she shouted. Her voice and demeanor calmed and she turned away from me. “Go. Marry this James. I have no use for you now.”
Something burned and ached inside me. I fought the urge to reach out and cry into her shoulder and beg for her forgiveness. But I knew she would only push me away. She could have thousands of creases in her sleeve, but each one would always mean more to her than her two daughters. I had learned that—I had finally seen it. It tore a hole in my heart nonetheless.
I turned and walked away, leaving her in the corner of that empty hall. I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks. How had I been so foolish? I had doubted Clara’s wisdom before and now every inch of me cried out in the agony of regret. I had doubted the strength of love, and now I was left with nothing but longing for it. I still loved James after all these weeks, and ifit were possible, then maybe he could love me too. Maybe there was still hope.
I rushed to my room with renewed energy, clinging to my little drop of hope. I threw the door open and headed straight for the bell pull. Anna arrived a long five minutes later, and I stood from my bed, heart pounding. “I need your help.”
She noticed my disarray and handed me a handkerchief. “What is it, miss?”
“I need your help to mail a letter.”
My penmanship was still atrocious, but I had been practicing. I read over the words I had written, blowing the ink dry.
Dear James,
By the time you read this, eight months will have passed since I met you, and four months will have passed since I left you. I thought too much of myself then, and I thought that I had changed, but I was wrong. I thought myself capable of forgetting you, but I know now that is impossible. Since I left, not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of you. I have little experience with love, but I have no doubt that I have felt it. You captured my heart when I didn’t know I had one, and for that I am forever in your debt. A wise man once told me to write the things that are difficult to say, so here it is: I love you.
I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please accept this apology. My heart is written on this page, and I wish for you to keep it always. You do not need to forgive me, or even love mein return. I lived without a heart once, and if I must, I will do it again.
Yours,
Charlotte
I folded the letter as soon as I finished reading. My courage was wavering, and I didn’t know how much longer it would last.
“Please post this as soon as possible.” My voice shook as I handed the letter to Anna.
She gave a gentle smile. “Of course.”
I rubbed my head and laughed, a crazed sound in my throat. “I’m mad.”
“Love does such things to a person.”
Gratitude surged through me. “Thank you for helping me.”
“‘’Twas my pleasure. I should be heading downstairs now. Mrs. Jennings will likely murder me for being away so long.”
I smiled, a tired twitch of my lips. “You are a wonderful friend. If ever I find a way to repay you, I will do it.”
She smiled before turning and leaving the room with my letter clutched in her hand. My stomach turned over and over at the thought of James reading those words. My cheeks burned. But there was nothing I could do now. Nothing but wait.
I avoided Mama the following day, spending the morning hours by my stream in the woods. I brought a novel with me today—one I knew Clara would have liked—but found it impossible to focus on the story. There were too many other matters on my mind.
I watched the birds in the trees, jumping from branch to branch, chirping in a language I didn’t understand. I lay back in the damp grass and propped the book under my head. I closed my eyes.
