Of course she had. Didn’t she know I had already made my decision? That seeing James would only bring unnecessary pain to both of us? “Don’t assume you can make me stay,” I blurted. “The carriage will be here soon.”
“I never assumed that. I have learned that no one can make you do something you don’t want to do.” He took a deep breath, his eyes searching my face. “But I’m not entirely convinced that you want to leave.”
I bit my lip against the sudden tears that stung my eyes. “I do.” My voice was quiet and unsure, and I hated the sound.
“Are you certain?”
My eyes snapped up to his face. I regretted looking the moment I did. A broken heart was reflected there, in every line, every inch, and it tore me apart to see it. Then he came closer. His eyes bored into mine, soft and fragile. James had never been fragile. That had always been me.
“Please, Charlotte,” he whispered.
Everything that had been holding me together, every defense, every bar and tightly knotted thread was coming undone. James had some power over me. He always seemed to pull out the weak and broken things from inside me and make me feel things I didn’t want to feel and hope for things I shouldn’t. Every thought, every reason I was leaving came pouring out in anger.
“I have to leave!” I cried. “Do you know how long I have waited for this? My mother wants me to come home. She didn’t banish me here forever. I will go home and finally accomplish everything I have worked for my entire life.” My voice sounded unfamiliar to my own ears, broken by emotion and stifled sobs. “I w-won’t fall short again, and I won’t disappoint her! This is my l-last chance to please her and secure the future I have always wanted.” I breathed and swiped at my cheeks. “It’s my last chance to show her I can be the d-daughter she wants and then maybe she’ll love me.”
James reached out and cupped one side of my face with his hand. My body shuddered with another sob, and I was too weak to push him away. My tears fell hot down my cheeks.
“Charlotte, that isn’t love!” James said, shaking his head. “Approval of meeting expectations isn’t love. You deserve more. You have undertaken too much andyouhave become too much. You are kind and generous and thoughtful, utterly maddening at times, and selfless. Don’t let her change that. You deserve to be loved for those things, nothing less.”
I stepped back, away from the warmth of him. I shook my head. “Love is pain and suffering. A weakness. What has it done to you? It has done nothing but break and destroy and hurt. Why should I aspire to that?”
He was quiet for several moments, watching me without an answer. Finally he said, “You’re wrong. Love only does those things when you push it away.” He looked down at me, and a thousand things I didn’t understand were written on his face. “So don’t.”
I stared back at him, the snowflakes on his shoulders and his hair, and the raw heartache in his eyes. How easy it would be to say yes, to be wrapped in his arms and never leave. I hadn’t known it would be this hard. My heart beat fast, like wings learning to fly, trying desperately to escape my chest and land safely in his hands.
“No. No!” I stepped even farther away and wrapped my arms around myself. “I need more than that.”
“You think you need wealth and prestige to be happy? Don’t make such a mistake. Those things won’t last.”
“And love will? How can you say that, James?Howafter all Mary did to you?”
That silenced him. He stepped back, rubbing his face, and then he drew a ragged breath. “Because she never loved me. Not really. If she had, she would never have made the choice she did.”
“That cannot be true.” My voice was hard and cold. “Perhaps she was just stronger than her heart. She needed more.”
“More than me?” James’s eyes were framed in betrayal and sorrow. “And is that what you need too? Is that what you want?”
I didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t a fair question. He didn’t know the truth and I could never let him know it. If he knew I loved him, then he would never let me leave. He was still standing several steps away, and I shivered in the cold. I keptmy lips pressed tight as quiet tears ran down my cheeks and fell from my chin, not willing to answer. I had lied to him too much already.
“Charlotte,” he ran his hand over his hair. “Please stay. You will learn how to be happy.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head.
I looked up at him and immediately wished I hadn’t.
His eyes glistened, his jaw firm. “I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.”
My heart pounded fast, and he drew a step closer.
“I’m begging you to stay,” he finished.
I ached with longing everywhere, but there was danger in the unknown. It would haunt me forever. Not knowing what I was abandoning by staying here. Not knowing the life I could have had. I closed my eyes and I could see it. My dreams, my pursuits and ambitions, approval and happiness. Never had I been so conflicted.
I searched my mind for any reason that his declaration could be false. “How can that be true? You said you couldn’t love. Not again.” I was shaking my head.
James gave an exasperated sigh. “I was afraid. I have seen so much heartache, so much pain and suffering at the hands of love. My brother’s late wife. And Mary. I was afraid of what you were doing to my heart.” His eyes met mine, careful. “I was falling in love with you more, day after day, but I knew how much you hated me. I knew that I was not worthy in your eyes. I knew, too well, how acutely you would come to hate me for what I caused to happen to your hand.”
“James! Please don’t. That was not your fault.” I pleaded with my eyes. “I don’t hate you. I never will.”
