Her bluntness surprised me.
“How do you put forth so much effort to ensure my happiness but do nothing for the sake of your own? You have been an advocate of love these last weeks, Charlotte, yet you deny yourself any part of it. Why?”
I didn’t feel like speaking. I hardly felt like doing anything but squeezing my eyes shut and falling asleep, if only to stop the tears. But as soon as I shut my eyes against Clara, my throat tightened in a knot and tears fell from the corners of my eyes anyway. I breathed a shaky breath and stayed silent.
I sensed Clara’s disposition change, and her voice fell to a gentle tone. “You could have such a joyful life here. It really is beautiful if you look hard enough. The people are so lovely and kind, and the Abbots have treated us so well. I will be here, I hope. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I will likely be living just down the road. There is no place else for you to go. So choose to be happy here because that might very well be your only option. And you and James…Charlotte, you must know that you are loved. I love you, the Abbots love you, he loves you.”
My eyes snapped open. “He doesn’t love me.” I stood, swaying on my feet at the sudden movement.
“Charlotte—”
“No.” I put my hand up to stop her words and walked toward the stairs. She didn’t follow me.
Still wearing my red gown and satin gloves, I almost tripped up the narrow stairs. When I reached the top, I turned toward my room. All I was aware of was my breathing, the hitched sound as I fought against the onslaught of emotion that roiled through me. I pushed through the door and to my desk. After pulling my gloves off, I pressed my palms against it and leaned forward, trying to calm myself and discover why I was feeling the way I was.
What if Clara was right? What if I could be happy? I looked up at my reflection in the mirror above the desk. My eyes were rimmed in red and my lips were pressed tight. What if I was forced to stay here forever? The thought struck me with fear. How could I be comfortable knowing all the things I was missing, and all the things I could never have again? I refused to settle, to not achieve what all those years of instructing had intended me to achieve. I replaced the bars around my heart stronger, more unwavering than before.
But then my gaze wandered to the drawer of my writing desk, and my heart weakened all over again. I was too curious now.
I pulled the drawer open and withdrew James’s love letter with a shaking hand. And then I unfolded it. As my eyes first met the paper, I realized that I had never really seen James’s writing before. Every line, curve, and shape seemed to suit him perfectly.
I made one more attempt to stop myself from reading it, but I was too weak, and every part of me longed for some piece of his heart to hold. I swallowed hard and let my eyes drift over the page, reading the words that weren’t mine.
My love,
I wish I possessed the courage to speak these things aloud to you, yet I find I do not. You have stolen my heart, though I believe you never meant to do so. Your friendship has been a comfort to me in ways I did not know I required. In these past months, it has eased an ache I long believed must simply be endured. For that, and for you, I am more grateful than I can rightly express.
Tears fell down my cheeks. James had been such a friend tome. Was it love I felt for him, or simply a need for his friendship? Perhaps I could try to excuse it for the latter. It would make me feel much better about my decision. I took a deep breath and continued reading.
You will forever be in my heart, whatever comes of this confession. I love you. If you should feel any portion of what I feel, I beg you to let me know. A single word would be enough. I will wait upon it with more hope than I ought to admit.
Until then, I remain yours, and I shall be waiting, always, for you.
James
I ached everywhere, and pain burned through me for James’s sake, for his broken heart. I clutched my throat, where a tight lump had formed. It wasn’t fair. None of it. It wasn’t fair that this woman had been so cruel and it wasn’t fair that James had been so hurt.
It wasn’t fair that I understood that woman’s decision to desert him all too well.
Squinting through my tears, as well as my poorly functioning hand would allow, I tore the letter in half again and again, until it was a pile of disjointed words on the desk.
Then I stood from the chair, legs shaking, and plodded in a daze to my bed. My brain was tired of thinking and my heart was tired of feeling. As I faded off to sleep, I imagined a life where I stayed in the North forever, and where I smiled on the worst of days, all because James held my hand. It was ridiculous, and I tried to stop imagining it, but again, I was too tired.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Let me be that I am
and seek not to alter me.”
When Clara returned home the following day, her smile was so wide I worried her face would become frozen that way. Lord Trowbridge had offered for her, and she had accepted, of course.
I was happy for her, and it took all my energy to cling to her excitement and joy when I found it impossible to feel any of my own. Clara’s cheeks were touched pink, and she looked simply radiant. I smiled as she relayed to me every detail.
“We are to be married in two months,” she said. “That will allow plenty of time for his aunts to travel here to help with the preparations. Did you know he has six aunts? I hear they are all delightful.”
She carried on with the details of her day while we sat together on the sofa. My head ached from the events of the previous day, and I found myself easily distracted.
I shook myself and cleared my throat to speak. “Mama will be pleased to hear it.”
