She looked up at me, a puffy-eyed mess of tears. “But why don’t you want to go to the party?”
I searched my mind for something to say, a way to skirt around the truth, but found nothing. “Because I don’t want to seeJamesever again.”
She snorted, and I couldn’t tell if it was a result of her crying or laughter. “I knew you loved him.”
I sat back against the cushions, defeated and too exhausted to argue. I rubbed my head, trying to somehow push away all the thoughts that battled for my attention. Clara sat up straight and huffed a heavy breath. “But you are right. We must go to the party, and we will have a wonderful time.”
“Yes,” I sat up and looked her straight in the eyes. “We will both look more beautiful than ever, and we will not allow twosilly men to destroy the happiness of our first Twelfth Night party.”
She laughed. “Are you sure they are the silly ones? Look at us.”
I smiled, pulling her into a quick embrace. “If Lord Trowbridge doesn’t see what is right in front of him, then he is the silliest one for certain.”
She took a deep breath and smiled. The sight warmed my heart and calmed my nerves. And then we hurried up the stairs to get ready for the party. It was beginning to feel like an obligation, but despite my misgivings, it would probably be an enjoyable evening. I had plenty to keep my mind occupied while I was there, but I would choose to just relax and have a wonderful time. Everything would be all right.
Before Clara came in to help me with my hair, I found my old list in the drawer of my writing desk. I unfolded it and reviewed all my rules, running them through my mind like a tedious thread.Never let him see how he affects you. Never admire the color of his eyes. Never look at his face for more thantwoseconds. Never let him make you blush. Never think about kissing him. Never spend time alone with him.
Never fall in love with him.
The silver trim of my gown matched the pins in my hair perfectly. I wore a different pair of gloves for this party—long white satin ones that reached my elbows. The fabric was thin and didn’t conceal my hand as well as my thick, black ones, but at the moment I didn’t care. My hair was pulled up with several curls pinned at the back of my head, long strands framing my face. As I stared into my own eyes in the mirror, I felt like I was lookingat a stranger. It was odd, seeing my face looking back at me, and hardly recognizing it at all. My hands shook as I smoothed back a stray hair and straightened the crimson skirts of my gown.
Clara stepped up beside me. She wore an ivory dress with lace sleeves. Neither of us wore jewelry. We had sold or given away nearly all of it. I gave Clara a reassuring smile and moved behind her to straighten the bow at her waist. “You look beautiful, as always. Do not worry over Thomas. Let him go if you must and accept that you are well enough without him.”
“But I cannot let him go. That is the problem.” Her eyelids drooped and she released a heavy, burdened breath.
I put my hand on her shoulder and tipped my head down to look at her. “Can you not be happy without him?”
She looked down at the floor. “Of course I can, but I don’t want to.”
I stepped away, feeling her broken heart weighing heavily on my own. Determination found a home in me then, and I knew what I needed to do. Tonight I was going to do all I could to fix a broken heart, but not mine. Clara’s heart was altogether kinder, happier, and more precious, and for the sake of the world, it needed to be whole again. There was no other option. Feeling a strange sense of strength, I walked toward the door and held it open, smiling widely in an effort to lift Clara’s spirits and ignore my own fears.
“Let us go now. Take a deep breath and walk through that door. We are going to the party and we will have?—”
“A wonderful time,” she finished, half of a smile on her lips.
When we stepped outside, the same carriage that took us to the Christmas Eve party was awaiting us, and we climbed inside. I watched the sky outside as we drove. It was dotted with stars that appeared to be much closer than they really were. My eyes caught similar dots of light in the windows of Brackenridge Hall, and my stomach fluttered against my will.
After the carriage had rolled to a stop and we stepped inside the house, the smell of cinnamon and other warm spices flooded my nose. The house was warm with fire and friendly faces, and I spotted several guests who had brought masks of their own to wear. My smile widened.
As I surveyed the crowd, I noticed a familiar child standing beside her father, licking the pastel icing off the top of a tiny cake. She wore a familiar and oversized necklace, a ragged brown dress, and a sullen face that had been wiped clean with soap and a smile.
I walked in her direction, and she looked up just as reached her side. Her face lit up with recognition, her fingers flitting to the necklace at her collar.
“How lovely you look tonight, Caroline,” I said as I stooped closer to her height. “And what a beautiful necklace.”
Her eyes grew brighter. “Papa let me wear it one last time for the party. Tomorrow he’ll sell it for food.”
I considered her expression, full of joy and amazement. Where did she find the strength? “Are you enjoying the sweets?” I asked.
She nodded, offering a shy smile.
“May I teach you a trick?” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “If you tuck the top layer of your skirts into the ribbon at your waist, you may hide dozens of cakes in your skirts to eat tomorrow.”
She giggled, a quiet bubble of a laugh. “Is that what you do?”
“Always.” I winked. “We will be the same. But please keep it a secret.”
She gave a resolute nod that made me smile. I glanced at her hair, lighter now than it had been before, washed free of the dirt. It was styled in a single braid down her back. I reached up to my head and removed one of my silver pins. I took the end of herbraid and twirled it around itself into a small knot at the base of her neck and secured it with the silver pin.
