James’s hand wrapped around my upper arm as he watched me laughing, a spark of amusement in his expression. “Does that mean you are well? Or are you delirious from pain?”
My stomach ached from laughter and without thinking, I rolled to the side, pulling my arm in one swift motion. James faltered and I watched his boots fly out from under him. He landed with a thud beside me, sliding backward until his head was just higher up the path than mine.
He grunted and shook his head, eyeing me with disbelief. “Youaredelirious.”
I turned my head up to look at him, lying there in the icy snow, and the sight of his face brought on a new bout of laughter. He brushed snow off his coat and slowly his lips twitched into a smile. And he laughed too. I hadn’t laughed in a very long time—at least not like this.
Despite the cold, something burning and warm grew deep inside me at the sound of his laugh mingled with mine. It was another form of music. It was beautiful and healing, just like the pianoforte. The entire situation was so unexpected and strange that I allowed myself to admire him for just a moment. I studied his features—the way his cheeks creased when he laughed, the glint of delight in his eyes, the line of his jaw, and the way his hair was speckled with little flakes of white snow.
I had stopped laughing. So had James. I realized how long and how fervently I had been staring at him, so I looked away quickly. My heart gave a leap at the thought of how very improper I was, lying here in the snow beside a man. But for an odd reason, I didn’t mind at all.
James sat up. “Well, you have defeated me. May I help you stand without being dragged down to the ice?”
I stared at the sky. “Not yet. The storm has calmed. Look up! The snow is beautiful.”
I didn’t know why my heart fluttered as James laid back, quiet and slow, and a little closer to me than before. The snow wasn’t thick here, but it was still comfortable, creating a thin pillow under my head as I stared up at the flurries that spiraled toward me from the sky. They reminded me of tiny white rose petals. I tried to envision the blue sky of Hampshire and the smell of flowers wafting down in pockets of sunlight. I breathed deeply. It was very strange—the joy I found in that moment, the contentment and freedom. I wasn’t home; I hardly knew what that was anymore. But I felt relaxed and carefree, and for a moment, I forgot that I was about to tell James the truth.
I turned my eyes away from the sky and looked at him. My heart jumped to my throat. He hadn’t been watching the sky, but his eyes were fixed on me. A little smile twitched his lips, and his gaze swept over my face like a caress. Warmth filled me to my toes.
My heart galloped faster.
I looked away quickly and fixed my gaze on the sky again. “This is not proper, is it?”
He was so close; I felt his breath brush against my cheek. “Not at all.”
“I find I don’t mind it.” My eyes widened and I immediately regretted the words.
James laughed beside me, a deep sound that made my breath catch. “I thought you learned not to flirt with me. It will never work.”
My cheeks flamed. “I didn’t intend to.”
He propped himself up on his elbow. His face was above mine now, leaning over me with a wry smile that hammeredmy heart against my ribs. I wondered if he could hear it. “And why not? I suspect you flirted with every eligible man you encountered in London.”
“This is not London. And none of that was real.” My voice was choked and shaky. What had I just implied? That thiswasreal?
Was it?
The idea sent a wave of panic through my chest. It could not become real. James belonged in Craster, and I belonged in the South, or in London, with a man of wealth or title. What would Mama think if she knew I was using her training to flirt with a rugged harbor master?
I tried to look away, but all my attention was helplessly captured by James. His eyes looked blue today—the dark color of a roiling sea. He was still smiling as he looked down at me, only inches away.
But then his eyes grew serious.
His brows tightened subtly in concentration as he raised his hand to my face. His fingers swiped away a snowflake from my cheek, and then he took a strand of my hair between his fingers and melted another snowflake there. I remained perfectly still, watching his face as he went.
He looked in my eyes again, and I felt as though he could see every secret and every lie and every dream, playing out theatrically before him. He was drawing out every weakness, every foolish notion of my heart, until I was vulnerable and open. His fingers lifted, and he swiped a new snowflake that landed on my eyebrow. I tried to convince myself that this was wrong, that I should stand up and go home, and stay away from James forever, but I was too weak. My heart was on fire.
And then I watched his eyes shift downward. His fingers traced my cheek and stopped at the edge of my mouth. My pulse raced. There were inches, mere breaths between us. I was gladmy hands were wrapped beneath my cloak, otherwise I might have reached up and pulled his face down to mine.
I stopped myself. These were ridiculous thoughts, born from the unearthly white all around us and the strangeness of the entire situation. Yet my heart ached with something—some painful, broken thing that told me this was all wrong. James was not mine to laugh with or mine to kiss. I tried to think of all the things he lacked, but could only think of all the things I had come to adore about him. I wanted to stay here, frozen in this moment with James forever. I couldn’t deny it.
Perhaps I was delirious after all.
James’s eyes met mine again, a look of regret looming there. I had known he wouldn’t kiss me—not like that. He was too much a gentleman.
“Your face is so cold,” he whispered. “We should be going. I’d hate for you to become ill.”
I nodded and let him help me up. I was afraid of these things I was feeling. It was all so new and different than anything I had felt before. No man had ever looked at me the way James had just looked at me. I found it unnerving and strengthening at the same time. I wanted to run and hide, rebuild myself stronger apart from James, but I wasn’t finished yet.
