He frightened me the most.
“I wonder if our kiss encouraged her,” he said as he started in my direction. My spine stiffened. I had hoped the subject of ourforfeit—which was the only safe word to use in reference to that event in my mind—would not come up. If we discussed what had happened, that made it far too real.
“It was part of a game.” My words spilled out fast. “It shouldn’t have encouraged anyone.” I swallowed, keeping my arms folded tight. After reading my letter from Miles again that evening, I had been reminded of my place. Alexander needed to be reminded of his. There was an understanding between Miles and me, and it would hurt him if he knew that I had become so close to his brother. Creating some sort of distance was necessary.
The locked door, however, had other ideas.
Alexander set the candle on the mantel before sitting in the chair beside me. My eyes had adjusted to the moonlight that came through the window, making the details of the room much clearer than they had been before. His eyes connected with mine. “Lady Tottenham has been invested in our fake courtship since the beginning. Of course it encouraged her.”
Hearing him refer to the courtship as fake sent a wave of relief over my shoulders, even if we were still discussing the forfeit. “That is true. We did play our roles well this evening. I suspect it was Lady Tottenham’s favorite moment of the entire house party.”
“And mine.”
My stomach dropped. I shot him a look of dismay, even as my heart raced in my chest. I searched for the teasing look I expected to find on his face, but it was absent. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. How did he expect me to respond?
He smiled, looking down at the floor. “Forgive me. I’ve broken one of your rules again.” His eyes lifted to my face. His smile still remained, but it was weaker than usual—more uncertain.
I took a deep breath. “The rules are vital, especially if we are going to be trapped here all night.”
Alexander stretched his legs out in front of him, propping one hand behind his head. “I think we ought to be less concerned about your rules and more concerned about the rabbit pugilist that undoubtedly wants revenge.” He nodded toward the glass case, one eyebrow raised.
I almost slapped him. “Don’t say that! He might hear you.”
His broad smile released the tension in my shoulders instantly, though I was still recovering from what he had said about the kiss. I banished the thought from my mind.
“His ears are quite large,” Alexander said with a teasing gleam in his eye. “I suspect he hears everything.”
I laughed, grateful that the awkwardness had been dispelled. I lifted my chin. “You may try to frighten me all you like. I am not afraid of a stuffed rabbit.”
“Whatareyou afraid of?”
The question caught me by surprise. Alexander turned his head to look at me, his dark hair falling over his brow. He looked so comfortable leaning back in his chair. I sat up straight, hands folded in my lap.
“Lady Tottenham,” I said with a half-smile.
He chuckled, but didn’t relent. “What else? A serious answer. What are youmostafraid of?”
I had always tried to present myself in a way that was perceived as confident, strong, and unbreakable. I had spent years trying to convince myself that I was all of those things. But it was a facade—a charade—one just as ridiculous as my courtship with Alexander. In many ways, I was weak. I was tired. I was terrified of more things than I cared to admit. I leaned back, no longer caring about propriety. I rested the back of my neck against the top of my chair, turning my gaze upward.
“I’m afraid of everything I can’t control.” I laughed, because it was so ridiculous, but the truth of that statement settled in my bones. I stared up at the dark hexagonal ceiling and the window at the center. The cloudless night sky left the stars bare. I counted them as I listed all the things that frustrated me. “The financial state of my late husband can’t be changed. I can’t earn money on my own. I can’t leave Birch House. I can’t choose to marry Miles unless he chooses me first. I can’t make him love me. I can’t plan to marry him. I can only hope for it. Of late, I have felt particularly helpless. My fate feels out of my hands, and it terrifies me.”
Each thing I had just listed was just as out of reach as those stars above me. I turned to look at Alexander. “I would eat a thousand crickets for breakfast every morning if it meant I could feel some sense of security.” My laughter hurt, aching deep in my chest. “To have a home that feels safe and permanent.” My throat tightened. “To have a family. To belong somewhere, with someone. I’m afraid I might never have those things. I cannot simply go find that future. I can’t control when or how it comes, and no amount of determination can change that. I’ve been waiting and waiting, yet that still might not be enough.” I held my breath. I needed to stop spilling out the contents of my heart to Alexander. My fears and worries about Miles had been festering. It was a relief to speak them aloud, even if it was a mistake. What if he hadn’t meant the words in his letter? I hated to face the truth, but he had led me astray before.
Alexander’s gaze traced over my face. I felt suddenly ashamed for revealing so much. My cheeks grew hot, my eyes stinging. I looked at the sky again.
“I won’t pretend to be wise,” he said in a quiet voice. “But I believe the future that is meant for you will find you. There is no need to exhaust yourself in the pursuit of something that is so uncertain. There is peace that comes from letting go of the reins. Think about how much happier you could be if you weren’t always focused on steering a wild horse.” His mouth spread into a smile. “Let it run. You never know where it will lead you.”
“Straight into a tree,” I said with one raised eyebrow.
He shrugged. “Perhaps that tree is the best thing you’ve ever had.”
I tipped my head back with a laugh. “I never knew you could be so metaphorical.”
He gave a pompous smile. “I’m a poet.”
“I would sooner believe you were a vicar.”
He laughed softly, crossing his arms over his chest. “That was what I always wanted to be. It was my original plan to make a career in the church.”
