‘Really?’ she asks, sounding half hopeful, half disbelieving.
‘Nope. We shagged each other’s brains out. And just because he’s Tasmin Hughes’s son, it doesn’t mean he’s a child. I can assure you he comes with a fully functioning set of adult male bits.’
‘I don’t want to hear about his male bits, thank you very much.’
‘Are you jealous?’ I say, sitting up so I’m not quite so blinded. ‘Because you sound jealous.’
She gives me a dirty look, and throws the duster at my face.
‘Maybe I am,’ she replies, sitting down next to me. ‘In the spirit of honesty and transparency. It’s been … well, a few years, shall we say. I’m not exactly fending them off with a shitty stick back in Liverpool.’
‘That,’ I say, throwing the duster back at her and hoping I haven’t caught some rare form of gnome disease, ‘is because you send out this incredibly unsexy old lady vibe. It’s nothing to do with the way you look – it’s the way you act. You need to get in touch with your inner Irene Cara.’
‘What? Start working in a welding plant?’
‘No, dummy, I mean you need to start feeling luscious again. Feeling like the world is going to remember your name. Do some sexy dancing through the garden sprinklers the next time your fine-assed neighbour is out mowing his lawn.’
‘I don’t think so,’ Rose says, as she screws up her eyes and tries to imagine the scene. ‘No, I just can’t see that one working. Partly because we don’t have sprinklers, I use a giant watering can I got in Home Bargains.’
‘You’ll have to improvise then,’ I reply. ‘I’ll hold it over your head while you do it.’
‘Thanks, but no thanks. Anyway. I took a look in the box.’
I feel momentarily taken aback by this, at her intrusion into what I have started to think of as my territory. I remind myself that Mum left those boxes for both of us, and that I can be a deeply unattractive control freak at times.
‘I know we’re on L, and I know that means we’re moving on – but what is it, specifically?’
‘Come on inside. I’ll get us some coffee and you can see for yourself. Plus you need to pack. I’m already done, and I can’t imagine it’ll take you long to stuff all your lap-dancing thongs in a carrier bag … it’s two photos, by the way – one of Mum at my house, and one of her in your flat. With some instructions written on the back.’
‘Okay, okay, I’m coming,’ I groan, as I drag myself back to my now quite sore feet. ‘God, I’m tired … parts of me I never even knew I had are aching …’
‘Don’t. Want. To. Know.’
Chapter 44
Andrea: L is for Location, Location, Location
Hello darlings!
I hope you’re both doing well, and my evil plan is working, even a little tiny bit. If you’re reading this, then I have to assume it is, and that you’re still at the cottage. I hope you both had fun at the karaoke night – did Lewis do his ‘My Way’? He’s such an old ham!
Anyway, not much room to write on these cards, so I’ll make it quick – today, I’d like you to move on. You’ll be visiting two places, both of which also begin with L, in a magnificent coincidence! Liverpool, and London.
I’ve stayed in both of your homes, and had wonderful times with you there – but you’ve never set foot on each other’s turf, have you? Now it’s time to throw off the sheltered environment of the cottage, and get out into the real world. Rose, you must stay a night at Poppy’s flat; and Poppy, you’ll also be heading North to see where Rose and Joe live.
This doesn’t sound like much, but I think it’s important. I don’t want you to just go through this A–Z like a task you have to complete, then box it all back up without it making any difference. You need to see each other’s real lives for the first – and hopefully not last – time.
Happy travelling, Rosehip and Popcorn – make sure you tell Lewis you’re going so he can come and sort the blue tits out!
Lots of love,
Mum xxx
Chapter 45
Rose
Aroad trip with my estranged sister turns out to be not quite as much of an ordeal as I’d expected. We decide to go in her car, with our A–Z boxes packed in the boot.
