Things I Feel Guilty About
That I wasn’t there when my mum died
That I broke my mother’s heart
That I didn’t see her enough, or tell her I loved her enough
That last time she was supposed to come and stay, to keep me company when Joe was at his dad’s, I made an excuse about work and cancelled, when really I just felt too depressed to be bothered, and wanted to stay in and eat kebabs on my own
That I let my marriage get fucked up and didn’t work hard enough to save it
That Joe has grown up with me for a mum
That I am a crap mum
That I sometimes use Joe as my friend instead of having real friends and make him watchGrey’s Anatomywith me
That I eat too much and drink too much and do no exercise; that I don’t seem able to stop even for Joe
That I seem like a nice person on the outside but inside I am actually horrible
That I stole a box of Cadbury Roses from the village shop when I was 11 and told my mum I’d won them as a prize at school, and she was so proud of me she baked a Victoria sponge to celebrate
That I dumped Andy by text when I was drunk and accidentally sent it to his best mate instead
That I didn’t have enough sex with Gareth, because I was always so tired after I had the baby, and maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish Joe would still have his dad around
That I sometimes secretly wish that Gareth would get hit by a bus
That I don’t condition my hair or do my nails or take a pride in myself, like mum always did
That I messed up my career and gave up on everything
That I spend more money every week on junk food than I do on Joe
That when Joe was born I thought for a little while that I could never ever be happy again
That I was supposed to cure cancer and I ended up as a teaching assistant and that must have disappointed mum so much, not that she ever said anything
That I once reversed her car into a tree and blamed the dent on a hit-and-run in the supermarket car park
That I hate my job and everyone I work with, even though it’s not their fault I’m doing it
That I lost touch with all my university friends after I met Gareth, at first because of him and then after he left because I was too embarrassed to admit I’d made a mistake
That I once told my mum I hated her when I was 15 because she wouldn’t let me stay out any later than 10 p.m. even though Tasmin Hughes was allowed to stay out as long as she liked
That when Tasmin Hughes got pregnant and had a baby I never went to visit her, and I know now she must have been really lonely because that’s what it’s like when you have a baby
That I stabbed Yoda in the eye
That every year I buy Joe a nice Thornton’s Easter egg with his name on it, then eat it myself, and have to buy new ones, crap ones from the newsagent
That I once lay on the floor and pretended I wasn’t in when the Jehovah’s Witnesses called round instead of being polite about them trying to save my soul
That I used to pull faces whenever Mum started one of her show-biz war stories and now I’d love to hear some more
That I eat Extra Strong Mints before bed because I can’t be bothered brushing my teeth
