Andrea is propped up on a hospital bed, her steel-grey hair smooth, her make-up flawless, if a little more heavy-handed than usual. The silk blouse she is wearing is perfectly pressed, and her smile is dazzling. If not for the weight loss and, of course, the location, you’d never know she was ill.
The room is small, dominated by that bed, by the tiny figure lying in it. The cabinet is overflowing with flowers, wilting lily petals drooping down into the open jug of paleorange cordial, and the lighting is bright.
Andrea does a quick test, and the camera wobbles slightly, as though the person holding it is moving around, or maybe giving a ‘thumbs-up’ gesture. She nods once, folds her delicate hands neatly on her blanket-covered lap, and begins. Her voice is steady, assured, perfectly poised – she’s delivered many a monologue, and this is by far the most important she’s ever spoken.
‘My darlings. Rosehip, Popcorn, my only true loves. Not to be too Hollywood about this, but if you’re watching this tape, that can mean only one thing: I have shuffled off this mortal coil … and you two are going to need each other more than ever. You need to set aside your differences, and look out for each other – just like you always used to.
‘I know this has all come as a terrible shock, but I make no apologies for doing things this way. The illness came quickly, and horribly and, before I knew what was happening, I was dealing with lovely Macmillan nurses and charming doctors – all of whom had awful news.
‘It’s only been a few weeks, my loves, and I know that you’ll be so sad that you didn’t get to spend that time with me. You might even be a tiny bit angry that I deprived you of the chance to be here, at my side – but I had my reasons, and if ever an old lady has the right to be awkward, it’s when she’s dying, don’t you think?
‘Part of me was reluctant to let you both see me suffer. You were both too small to remember when my mother died, but it was one of the worst experiences of my life – sitting by her bedside, holding her hand, when she didn’t even recognise me. The pain had taken her over, you see, like some kind of demonic possession. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if her head had started spinning and she talked in ancient Aramaic.
‘Pain can do that to a person – it reduces them to their animal state, strips them of everything that makes them … human. I spent endless nights in that hospice with her, all alone despite being surrounded by people, and I vowed right then that it was an ordeal I would never put you two through. I have no idea what my fate is – I am hoping for a dignified swansong, with gentle lighting and aromatic oils and possibly some gentle Gregorian chanting in the background. A graceful exit, stage left.
‘But the truth is, I might just as easily turn into my mother – become that pain-wracked animal who only knows one thing: that they are dying. She had no clue I was even there at the end, and since then I’ve always thought the whole sitting-by-the-deathbed thing is simply a steel trap for suffering. It’s a consolation, I suppose – as the person left behind, you can always tell yourself you did your best, that at least they weren’t alone.
‘But honestly? I think we are all alone when we die. We’re embarking on a journey that nobody can accompany us on – we don’t get a plus one.
‘For the people left behind, exhausted and drained, it is an emotional battering the likes of which you can never prepare yourself for. It is an indescribable torment, waiting for someone you love to leave you, knowing that each minute together could be your last, but also knowing that part of them has already gone.
‘I simply didn’t want that for you two, and I hope you understand – it was a decision made out of love. And I had my poor Lewis with me, I am guessing – I’ve tried to kick him out on several occasions, but the stubborn old fool simply won’t have it, and I suspect he’ll be here to the bitter end.
‘He’s here with me now, helping me make this video, and let me tell you he’s one of the finest human beings that has ever graced the planet. But enough of that – I can’t have his ancient hands trembling, or him crying, can I?
‘Anyway. That was part of my reasoning. I should probably have discussed that with you at some stage, but it’s not an easy one to slip into casual conversation, is it? “I’m having a lovely mini-break, darling, and by the way, I won’t be inviting you to my deathbed.” It doesn’t slip easily off the tongue, so I’m afraid I avoided it. Perhaps I was being a cowardly lion, who knows? But it never seemed relevant. I always felt so healthy, despite all of those little games I played over the last few years.
‘And that, I suppose, brings me to one of the other reasons I’m chickening out of seeing you, and leaving this message instead. I love you two, more than life itself – I hope you know that. But I have to be honest – and this is a time and a place for honesty, my sweets – you have broken my heart. Shattered it into tiny pieces, to be dramatic about it – which of course I always like to be.
‘Over the years, I’ve tried everything to bring you two together again. I’ve organised parties that neither of you attended, for fear of seeing the other. I’ve performed in dingy small-town theatres in the hope that you’d both come to the opening night – and neither of you did. I’ve pretended to be rushed into hospital with pneumonia, when I had nothing more than a nasty cold. I’ve lied and I’ve schemed and I’ve shamelessly emotionally blackmailed the two of you – all to no avail.
‘No matter what I threw at you, you simply didn’t budge. I know you love me, and perhaps right now, watching this, you are starting to realise how much – that is normal, don’t worry. It’s a punch to the gut that you will learn how to live with, I’m sure. But realising how much you love me now I’m gone doesn’t change the fact that in life, you couldn’t set aside your differences – not for your sake, not for Joe’s sake, and certainly not for mine.
‘I’m incredibly proud of both of you – you are, and always will be, my grubby angels. I’m proud of your strength, your resilience, the way you’ve made your way in the world. But you have both let your bitterness define you. You’ve both been moulded by this old, tired anger that you cling on to, until it’s become an almost physical part of you – like your curly hair, Rose, or your brown eyes, Poppy. What started as something painful seems to have become something you can’t live without, and that is what has broken my heart.
‘You’ve both built lives. Have careers. Rose, Joe is a wonderful, wonderful boy, and you’ve done a brilliant job of raising him. But no matter what you’ve achieved, or gone on to do in your lives, you’ve done it without each other – which means that nothing has ever been quite right, has it?
‘I know you both like to fool yourselves that you’re better off without each other, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I raised you to laugh together, to fight together, to protect each other. The world can be a cruel and scary place, and it was always a great consolation to me that there were two of you.
‘Bringing you up on my own was never easy. There were all kinds of cracks beneath the surface that you didn’t see – which I never intended you to see. I had to make compromises with my career, I struggled at times for money. It was challenging, and it was often lonely – but, I told myself, at least these two precious girls will never face this kind of solitude.
‘They will always have a best friend, an ally, someone to turn to in their hour of need. They won’t just be drinking wine at midnight and staring into the log fire looking for answers, like I often was.
‘But instead of turning to each other, you turned on each other – and this fight has destroyed our family. Destroyed our chance to be together, the way I’d always hoped we would be, eventually. I never gave up hope that the old wounds would heal, but now I have to accept that if they do, it’s not something I’ll be around to celebrate.
‘I’m not saying this needlessly, to hurt you – God knows that would be the last thing you need right now, after the news you’ve had. And I know you’ve both done your best. Rose, believe me, I’ve loved my visits to Liverpool, and all Joe’s Christmas plays and being involved in his life. Getting to play the Glamorous Granny has been one of the best roles I’ve ever had.
‘And Poppy, I do understand how hard you tried – all our holidays, and trips away, and the silly amounts of cash you always spent on my gifts. I’ve never had so many cashmere sweaters and hand-made leather bags in my wardrobe.
‘Time spent with the two of you was never wasted, and I valued every second I had with my two gorgeous girls – but for me, it was always bittersweet. Because I could see, more clearly than you could yourselves, how much damage had been done. Together, you could take on the world. Apart, you’re like a three-legged dog, or a tortoise stuck on its back – there will always be something missing. Something holding you back.
‘That, I think, brings me to more current events. To the here and now and the future, even if that is a foreign land I will never visit. To the whole purpose of this video, and the way I’ve spent my last few weeks. If you thought I’d emotionally blackmailed you before, then this time I’m going for gold in the Manipulative Mother Olympics.
‘This time, I’m not going to be subtle. I’m not going to play games, there’s no point. I’ll state things as clearly as I possibly can: I am your mother. I love you. I am dying. And my one great wish is to see you two together again. I could never achieve that in life, and I am desperately hoping that I can in death.
‘Lewis – stop snivelling, Lewis! – has been at my side throughout all of this, and he is your go-to man, as they say in the movies. Listen to him, and do as he says, and buy him a nice cigar, because he bloody well deserves it. Lewis is, so to speak, my representative on earth, and he’ll be guiding you through this process.
‘I can practically hear the question – “What process?” – so I’ll answer it for you. The process of at least trying to rebuild your relationship. The process of putting the pieces back together, and moving forward in your lives – at each other’s sides, just like I always wanted.
