“Sorry.” She pulled back.
“Why? I like your touch.” Noah grabbed her hand and held it on his chest. “She miscarried at four months, and I know it’s not her fault any more than it was mine. We both wanted that baby, but I think I blamed her, and she blamed me for getting her pregnant. We didn’t last long after that.”
“So you lost her and the baby?”
He felt the sting of pain in his chest and the bitter taste of acid in his throat at the memory of that time. He didn’t handle it well. It had been Newman and Buster who had come for him and brought him home. Faith had told them to do it, and they hadn’t hesitated.
“And you’re still mourning them.”
“No. Not her. I lost any feeling I had for Samantha ages ago. I don’t feel any anger toward her about the baby, she was devastated too, and I even realize now it was no one’s fault. But I do have a hang up about scientists that I can’t seem to change.”
“But the baby, have you mourned the loss of it?”
“There was nothing to mourn.” He was the one who wanted to walk away now, stepping back and away from the pain he still felt over the loss of his child. Lani followed, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding him tight.
“There was the loss of a dream, Noah. You would have built a life with that child. Built a future that was taken from you and it. That is worth mourning.”
For the first time, he realized her words for the truth. They’d thought of names and what he and his child would do together. Dreams that he’d wanted to fulfil.
“Losing someone you love so quickly is devastating and hard to come to terms with. But to lose a child that has yet to live….” Her words fell away.
“Yes,” Noah rasped. “It was hell.” He whispered the words he’d never spoken before.
“Let the anger go, Noah, and the grief. It will eat you up otherwise.”
He pressed her close, wrapping his arms around her body. Christ, she felt good, and right. He never wanted to let her go.
They stood there in silence, and he let the memories of that time come and go. He slowly remembered the dreams and anger that he’d pushed into a dark corner deep inside his head. The joy, then devastation. The numbness and grief. Finally he acknowledged what he’d felt and lost.
“Thank you.” His words were hoarse.
“Your friends and Faith would have helped you with this, Noah.” She said the words into his shoulder, and it was instinctive for him to brush his lips over her head.
“They would have if I had let them in. They knew, of course; that was never a secret. But not how much pain I carried inside.”
“It’s not good to keep stuff bottled up.”
“Says the woman who has more secrets than a government agency.”
She sighed, the warmth of her breath brushing his arm.
“Will you let me help you, Lani? Will you tell me who you’re running from?”
“No. It’s too dangerous, and I’ve told you more than anyone else and that’s wrong. So leave it alone, Noah. Please.”
“Dangerous to who? Me or you?”
“Both.”
“I have lots of friends, Lani, who are now your friends. Let us help you.”
“No. This conversation ends here.”
“Cubby and Katie could help.”
“No!” She backed away from him. “I need to handle this on my own, Noah.” She turned and ran to the bathroom. The door slammed in his face as he reached it.
“Dammit, Lani. I just want to help.” He thumped his fist hard on the wood.
