He hadn’t expected her declaration, and to be honest she hadn’t intended on saying how she felt, but then she thought about what she’d promised herself when the fog of her marriage to Brian had cleared. Be true to yourself, be honest, and say how you feel. It didn’t always work, but right now she realized that the truth was the only possible way forward.
“I love you, Brad, but I know you can’t return those feelings right now, so I need to call a halt to this before I get in any deeper. So, thanks for being there when I needed you, and I hope we can still be friends.”
“Th-thanks?”
Not many people had told this man they loved him, Macy understood that, could see it in the way his body had tensed. Maybe in telling him she’d start him thinking, and then maybe, just maybe he’d realize he was worth loving, and that he cared for her too.
“Can I ask you one more thing before you leave, Brad?”
He managed a jerky nod.
“Do you love yourself?”
“I—what?”
“Until you do, you can’t love anyone else.”
“Don’t psychoanalyze me, Macy, I don’t need or want it. I know who I am, and what I want—”
“And you don’t want my love, I get that.” Macy ignored the arrow of pain in her chest.
“Don’t put words in my mouth!”
He was getting angry now. Angry, and she suspected frustrated with what she was forcing him to face.
“Have you ever behaved with another woman as you have with me?”
“Don’t try and tie me up in knots with words, Macy. I care for you, but I’ve cared for plenty of other women too.”
That hurt.
“I felt sorry for you, so I looked out for you—”
“Sorry!” Macy hadn’t meant to raise her voice, but she had. “Don’t you dare lie and say this was about sorry, or pity, or whatever the hell else you’re trying to rationalize the feelings you have for me. Man up and see them for what they are, Brad.”
His jaw clenched.
“I don’t need this shit from you. I thought we were friends, but I can see now you’re like the other women. Always trying to get something from me I don’t have to give.”
“Go.” She pointed at the door. “Get out before we say more hurtful things to each other.”
“Macy—”
“Get out.”
He didn’t hesitate again, his long stride taking him from her house seconds later.
“It shouldn’t hurt so much this time,” she reminded herself after the door had closed.
After Brian, she’d been numb, the pain in her body and insides pushed aside in the numbing fog that had consumed her. Of course she hadn’t loved her ex for many years before it was over. This time, however, she did love Brad, and the hurt was different, but she would not let it consume her, nor would it change the person she had become. She clung to the foolish hope that one day Brad Gelderman would love her back, because while he was the first man she’d loved since Brian, she had a bad feeling he’d be the last. What she felt for him was deep and raw, and it consumed all corners of her body.
“You should be pleased you can feel again,” Macy reminded herself as she made her way upstairs. Pleased that him coming into her life had showed her how to love and how to be strong.
She checked on Billy, who slept deeply after his night of excitement, then headed for her room. Once there, she washed and climbed into bed.
Weirdly, the most disturbing thoughts in her head were not of the photos Brian had sent her, but her last memory of Brad’s face before he’d left her. He was hurting and yet didn’t understand why. Or did he understand but wasn’t ready to acknowledge it?
“Be happy, Brad,” she whispered into the darkness before she let fatigue take her under. Tomorrow she’d be strong, and the next day too. And when she heard he’d left Howling, she’d keep her tears confined to this room.
