“Nope.” I look steadily back at her, allowing the desolation to rock through me like the bomb that just went off in my life.
“But I guess I better be. I knew it was a possibility.” Looking away, I swipe the hot tear rolling down my cheek.
“You have options.” She says, knowing damn well we don’t.
“You know better than that, Brig. Riyu wants a baby. Maybe more than he wants me even. He has made no secret about it.”
Her face scrunches at how pitiful I sound. I don’t blame her. This is not me. Normally, I’m the one who’s always looking for good in a situation. The brutality of my miscarriage still haunts me, and I know that is part of my issue.
“Not Riyu. Now he adores you. When we had dinner together the other night, it was obvious. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. And he likes you.” She grumbles, probably thinking back to the way she and Takeshi bickered. Still, I saw the same look of adoration in his eyes. Only his glowed more when he had her riled.
“All of them are into furthering the Takeda legacy. I know Takashi has said as much.” I remind her.
“Yep.” She gives me a meaningful look in return, then types something on the screen — I U D before deleting it.
“Ahh,” I say giving her a wink. “You were always the smartest out of there three of us.”
“Facts.’ She smirks. Making me laugh which lead into a heck of my burning throat.
“Ugh.” Wincing, I take a sip of my lukewarm tea.
“Let’s call it for today. You need to rest. I don’t want you working while in pain. Which I know you will do. I can’t argue. Not with her reasoning for me resting or my work ethic. The business we’ve built is everything to me. It has allowed me to retire my parents and help educate my siblings. Everything landed on me, and I happily take that mantle in order for my parents to benefit from all their hard work raising me and my siblings. Being the oldest, I’ve always felt that responsibility. When my father had to retire early from the power company after falling off a transformer, I knew I had to do everything in my power to retire my mother from her nursing job.
“Okay, give me a couple days to get my bearings—” stopping mid-huff and eye roll, I just stare at her waiting for her irritated response.
“I’d say take the week but I already know you ain’t having none of that.” Pressing her mouth into a moue, She shakes her head like she knows I’m a lost cause.
“Bye, bestie.” Signing off my I-Mac, I grab my MacBook and head to my bedroom.
The nausea has passed, but it’s left me feeling a little lightheaded. My emotions are spiraling, but by the time I managed to eek my way through a shower, brush my teeth for a second time, and put on some nice fluffy pjs before slipping on my bonnet and collapsing back onto a pile of pillows.
Firmly pushing down the anxiety of being pregnant again and all that entails if I manage to not lose this baby make my tummy twinge.
Tugging covers up around me, I feel chilled by the fear that I can’t seem to dispel.
Lying under a mountain of blankets, shivering like a little girl fearing the monster from under my bed is going to come and devour me, I let exhaustion take me.
“Ev.”The sound of Riyu’s voice breaks through the nightmare I’m having. Disoriented, my gaze snags his cold onyx orbs.
“Ri?” Sitting up, I smooth wet tendrils from my forehead. Pulling the satin cap from where it’s settled on my right shoulder, I adjust it all the while he looks at me.
“W-What’s going on?” Speaking makes my sore throat feel like I swallowed shattered glass. My voice croaks out the words raw and reedy. Looking around, I try to gather my bearings asthe nightmare I can’t clearly remember eats its way into my psyche.
Riyu’s icy gaze lights with alarm. A cool, dry hand reaches out to touch my forehead.
“Ev, you’re burning up. What’s going on, love?” The concern and terror in his eyes nearly cleave my heart in two. I can’t do this again.
My mind goes to the way he looked so shattered when I told him what happened last time.
It’s my undoing.
A broken sob shakes me to my core. Shoulders heaving, I fear I may be sick again. The fluffiness of the pjs has become a cage of sick, clinging material.
“Ev.” Strong arms encircle me, but I wretch away, burying my face into the pillow, letting the sobs take over. I don’t want his comfort, and yet I do. I don’t want to see the hurt in his eyes again when I fail him.
Instinctively, I know I will. I feel the same as last time. Grievously sick, horribly unsettled, My whole world is topsy-turvy, and we — despite our best intentions are not where we should be and definitely should not be bring ins a child into this mess of a marriage.
Unaware of how much time has passed after my sobs subside, I don’t resist when his firm hands turn me back over so that I lay facing up. The tears spill down the corners of my eyes and fall into my hair.
