All I have wanted for ten fucking years is Ariana Cooley. I wanted her when we were teenagers, learning about ourselves and the world. I wanted her when we were in college, trying to figure out our place in life. I wanted her when I started my job and moved in with my pack.
I have wanted her through every moment, the good and the bad.
Every fight.
Every laugh.
Every sigh.
Every word whispered in the dark against our pillows.
I have wanted her to be mine for ten years.
And it feels like I am on a tightrope, struggling to maintain my balance.
Which way will I fall? Toward being her Alpha, or out of her life?
The elation I felt at her news drains out of me. I’m almost afraid to hear what she has to say next.
Will my heart be broken on television? The viewers may not be able to see me, but there is no doubt that they will hear the despair in my voice.
“Derrick? Are you still there?”
I clear my throat, hoping she can’t hear the upset and worry in my voice. “Yeah, honey, I’m here. Congratulations. I’m happy for you guys.”
“Thanks. I want you to know that I didn’t jump into it. I did alot of thinking first. About Calvin. About Sax and you and Grant and Ivan. About the lies. About myself. When I really dug deep, I realized something important.”
Her voice carries me to the kitchen, where I grab a beer and take a huge swig. I wish I had something stronger.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t. I should be sober when I have my heart broken by the woman of my dreams.
“Calvin said his pack was worth the pain he went through when they died. That he loved them so much, he followed them into the next life. I’ve spent so long being afraid of death. I couldn’t think of anything worth dying for. And then I thought about Sax.”
I stumble into a chair at the kitchen table. She thought of Sax? What does that mean?
“He was my pack. The only person I loved. I never said it because I feared rejection. How could Sax love someone who wouldn’t leave her home? Whether one Beta or two Alphas and a Beta, you three are Sax. I can pretend all I want that Sax is gone to try to heal, but that’s not true. Every time I talk to you, I’m reminded of how much you mean to me. And Ivan? I hear Sax in his jokes and encouragement. I can remember so many conversations with Sax when I’m talking to Grant and sharing some of my secrets.”
My hands are shaking.
Tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I know that no matter how this conversation ends, they’ll spill over.
“Sax was my pack, and Sax is the three of you. You’re my pack. I still feel raw over what happened, but not enough to risk losing you. I may have thought there was nothing worth dying over, but I was ignoring that I had something worth living for all along.”
“Ariana.” Her name comes out like a prayer. “Please tell me you’re saying what I think you’re saying.”
She giggles, then sniffles, and I can picture her with her knees to her chin as she wipes tears from her cheeks.“I’msaying that I’m going to follow my heart. I’m done letting fear rule my life. You’re my pack, Derrick. And nothing is going to change that.”
I wish I could kiss her.
I want to pull her into my arms and hold her so tightly she’ll forget every time she felt lonely.
I can’t now, but I can tomorrow, when they leave the house.
There is so much I want to say. So many feelings I long to put words to. My clumsy tongue can’t find them. Instead, I say the only thing that I can. The thing that has always been true.
“I love you, honey.”
“I love you too, Derrick.”
