“No, I mean-”
“And you’re not hysterical. You’re not a puddle of anxious Omega goo on the floor. You’re upset, for sure, but you are not falling apart.”
“My worst fear came to life, Sax. I scent matched a pack. Going back home isn’t going to unring that bell, as much as I wish it would. I want to be home more thananything right now, but it’s because I want to be home a week ago. I want to have never come on this show.”
Sax doesn’t say anything. The line is still, no sound bars moving with his breath or anything. When his voice comes back, it startles me a little in the quiet of the room.
“That sucks, Onion. I know that’s your biggest fear. I’m sorry that you’ve been put in this position. I wish I could tell you what to do. I wish I could tell you to give the pack a chance, but I can’t. This is your life. You get to make the decisions here, and anyone who takes those from you is an asshole.”
I’ve never been great at making decisions. I would always bend over backward for what everyone else wanted, ignoring my own needs. I was born a people pleaser.
“Can I ask one thing, honey?”
I nod, forgetting that he can’t see me. “Yeah.”
“What would Calvin want you to do?”
I inhale sharply, clutching my gut like I was punched. “I don’t…”
“I know. I know you don’t want to think about that. But maybe it’s time to open the letter?”
The letter.
The letter from Calvin’s estate attorney that I received at the will reading.
The letter I have carried with me since I was sixteen.
It’s beat up and crumbled from the years of handling, but I’ve never opened it. I’ve never been strong enough to read the last words I will ever have from my brother.
Once I read them, that’s it. There will be nothing new from Calvin.
My brother will officially be gone.
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“Can you stay on the phone with me?”
He sighs, and I know what he’s going to say.“I don’tthink I can, Onion. I need you to know that I love you, okay? I should’ve told you sooner. I’ve meant every word I’ve said to you over the years. You have fundamentally changed me, and I will always love you, no matter what.”
This is goodbye. I know it is.
It’s not just goodbye to Sax, though. It’s goodbye to the girl I used to be. To all of the plans I had to keep myself safe, and my heart intact.
“I love you too, Sax. Always.”
The line goes dead.
A dreadful, pained sob escapes me, and I collapse into myself.
He’s gone.
Sax is gone.
It takes a while before my sobbing calms enough to sit up. My body aches like I ran a marathon, but I know it’s not over.
If I don’t do this now, I never will.
