Ani
I showed up at my mom and dad’s house at seven the next morning, Rosie in tow. The truth was, I hadn’t slept all night, so when she woke up at six, I decided that I had to get out or I was going to fall asleep on the job. Plus—and I had a hard time admitting this—I needed my mom.
My complicated, interesting, sometimes annoying mom, whom I somehow felt wouldn’t have the same reaction to Adam’s declaration that my friends had. I hoped she’d understand, because I felt desperate for someone to talk to.
While Arnold intuitively understood that I was out of sorts and would be more than happy to stick like glue to my side for comfort, I didn’t have the luxury of breaking down with Rosie to care for.
My mom answered the door, cell phone in hand, wearing cute yoga pants and a blue top that matched her eyes. I’d have to borrow that. I heard a soothing female voice in the background saying, “Inhale space into the tight spots, and as you exhale, let go of any effort that’s not serving you right now.”
“Ani,” she said with surprise. “Did I miss a call from you?”
“No, I just walked over.”
“Oh.” She sounded surprised. That got me thinking that I never really did walk over herejust because. Maybe I should start.
She immediately bent over and checked in with Rosie, telling her good morning and how lovely she looked. Then she straightened up. “Did you do an ER shift last night? You look terrible.”
I knew she’d call it as she saw it. But then, that’s why I was here. She’d assess the situation objectively. I wasn’t sure if she’d be comforting, but honestly, I was out of options. As I had this desperate thought, the tears began to roll.
She grabbed my elbow. “Oh my goodness, what’s wrong? Come in! Do you need me to take Rosie this morning? I have an art guild board meeting at eleven, but honestly, she’d be a big hit. Come in!” She practically dragged me into the house and immediately set about releasing Rosie from her stroller and grabbing the diaper bag I’d shoved underneath.
I walked into the sunny family room, flooded with morning sunlight. How strange it was to have my parents here, in town, but not in our same old house. It was as if all that history had been erased.
But maybe it was a chance to start fresh. For my mom and me, that was.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked as she grabbed a throw off the back of the couch and spread it on the carpet. She then laid Rosie down, jabbering to her all the way while I grabbed a few toys from her bag.
“Golf with the guys and breakfast,” she said. Then she ran into the kitchen.
“Mom, come back. Stop fussing.”
She handed me a glass of something. The color was just a notch under nuclear, glowing green. And it was loaded with chia seeds. I took note of the eager expression on her face. “What is this?” I asked.
“It’s a green protein smoothie. You look like you could use it.” She seemed thrilled to
see me. Eager to help. As if she’d been waiting for the day when I’d spontaneously seek her out.
That made me a little sad because we weren’t the type of mother-daughter combo who lived a few streets away and shared recipes and went to T.J. Maxx together on the weekends. Why weren’t we?
“So I had the case worker from hell for my last interview, which was the psychosocial one.” I filled her in on everything and told her I couldn’t marry Adam.
“Breathe,” the yoga lady on TV said. “Visualize your ribs as an accordion, expanding them with every inhale to enhance your flow of oxygen through your body.”
I did the opposite—I held my breath. Waited for my mom to say, “Engaged again? Less than a year later?” or “You’relivingwith him? Oh, Ani. What are you thinking?”
My mom seemed to purposelynotlook at me. She shook Rosie’s cow rattle, echoed back her oooooh oooooohs. Then finally she turned to me. “Adam loves you. You know that, right?”
Whoa.“Wait. Aren’t you going to tell me how ridiculous it is to be engaged again in less than a year? That I have a new job, a new baby, and a new home, and with one more stressor, my life will literally explode?”
“Oh, please, honey.” She waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t be dramatic.”
“I told Adam that I couldn’t marry him. Because he was sweating bullets. Because he asked me for Rosie’s sake. Becausepanic is a terrible reason to get married. I’ve finally learned to listen to that feeling inside of me that’s telling me that something is wrong. But what if I lose her? And what if I lose him?”
I buried my face in my hands, trying not to make bad noises that would upset Rosie, which really didn’t work very well. The dog, however, was right at my side, pushing up against me, telling me that he was there for me. I patted his head and told him that he was a very good boy because he totally was.
Of course, Rosie started to cry. Maybe she sensed the bad vibes. My mom picked her up and walked around with her, showing her the sunbeams and pretending to catch them. It was sweet. The yoga lady said, “As you hold your body in child’s pose, imagine your body melting into the floor like an ice cube on a sunny day.”
My mom handed me a box of tissues and said, “Ani, you don’t need a man to give you power. You have the power within you, don’t you know?” I stopped sobbing and stared at her. Did my mother just give me the Glinda spiel, thatyou’ve always had the power, my dear, all along?
