“I see a lot of chaos when I get back. And crying—not only from me. And friends trying to help me. Which means I’ll have to think about everything all the time. But here I have a lot of time to think too. So I don’t know what to do.”
“Exactly my problem.”
She assessed me carefully. “You’re really nice, but how do I know you’re not a serial killer?”
I opened my wallet. Handed her my hospital ID, my Fellow of the American College of Emergency Physicians, my driver’s license, my Giant Eagle card, and my library card.
She flipped through everything until she found the bright orange one at the back. “You have a library card?” She flipped it onto the table. “Then you must be okay.”
That made me wonder what kinds of books she liked. I found myself wanting to ask and felt guilty about it. Because I hadn’t been interested in anyone since Liv. But also because I shouldn’t be interested, of all women, in a runaway bride in the middle of a crisis.
“If I stay,” she said, “I don’t want to talk about Tyler, but I want to say one thing. He’s not a bad person, and I do love him.But he wasn’tmyperson. And he didn’t share my idea of a happy life.”
“What’s your idea of a happy life?” I couldn’t help asking.
“Happy chaos—you know, like, kids and dogs and…everything. That’s what I want someday—to be in the middle of the fray. Tyler envisioned our life as the kids having nannies and babysitters so we could have couple time over drinks every evening before we kissed our freshly bathed children goodnight.”
A cold sense of remorse hit me because I used to want that kind of happy chaos too. But not anymore. I could never give myself to anyone like that again, much less to a child. I was dead inside. Empty. I wasn’t exaggerating—that was the truth. But of course I kept that horrible fact to myself.
“Did you and Liv have any kids?” she asked.
“We were trying for a baby before Liv got sick, but it never happened.” Month after month when Liv found out she wasn’t pregnant, she’d cry. That was heart wrenching, but even worse, the very day she was diagnosed with cancer, she’d looked up at me tearfully and said that it wasn’t ever meant to be. That was an awful moment, the first of the heartbreak. With a bitter taste in my mouth, I couldn’t help thinking that all our dreams and plans—our life together—was never meant to be.
I thought I was managing to keep my expression neutral, but Ani saw right through it. She reached over and squeezed my hand, her eyes filled with compassion. “I’m sorry.”
Her touch felt so good. No one had touched me in a long time. People comfort you, but no one touches you—it’s just a line that most people don’t cross. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. “It’s funny, how you believe you know how life is going to go. You fall in love, you get married, you expect things without even thinking about it. A house, a dog, kids. You don’t expect that thegirl you knew since eighth grade would be gone forever by the time you were both thirty.”
Ani nodded and added, “Or you meet someone, and you decide to get married, but for whatever reasons, something feels off. And that feeling keeps eating away at you. Except in my case, I kept pushing those feelings away until it was almost too late.” She gave a thoughtful pause. “I don’t know what that must feel like—to love someone so much that it rips you apart to lose them.”
“Yeah.” I looked out over the water. “It would have been our fifth anniversary this week. Liv made me promise to take this trip. Somehow, she knew I’d try to work myself to death after she was gone.”
“We don’t have to talk about this anymore.”
“No—I—it’s okay.” I blew out a held-in breath. “I haven’t talked about Liv to anyone—I mean, after a certain point, you start to feel like you’re dragging people down, taking advantage of your friendships. You’re afraid that everyone will label you as a downer and avoid you, so you don’t talk about it. And everyone is sympathetic, but no one canreallyknow what you’re going through. So you keep it to yourself and keep going. But it’s felt really good to say her name.”
Ani smiled. “Thanks for telling me all this, Adam. It’s made me feel less alone. I’m eternally grateful for your kindness.”
That pleased me far more than I could admit. “I have an idea. Let’s explore and see things, get moving. That way we don’t think about anything. That is—if you stay.”
She gave a little smile. “I’ll stay—for today. One day at a time, right?”
“Right.” I nearly fist-pumped. I had her for one day, and that felt thrilling. Honestly, I needed for us to get busy ASAP. Because despite all my good intentions and my rotten mental state, I found myself thinking abouther.
Ani
On Tuesday, I said I’d stay until Wednesday, and on Wednesday, until Thursday. Then, in the blink of an eye, itwasThursday. By then we’d explored all the beaches and Chalk Sound National Park. We’d seen the underwater coral gardens at Bight Reef and taken an adorable Potcake dog for a walk at Potcake Place K9 Rescue. We ate at least two meals a day. I was starting to see the light of day. And I was feeling stronger.
We’d both booked flights to return home on Friday, which seemed reasonable if daunting. Except there was one problem—I was starting to really like Adam.
Which may have been turning into a bigger issue. I consciously tried not to look directly at him, because there were these strange moments when we just…connected. When our gazes would snag, and it was hard to look away. I know, I know, it was simply…hormones. Attraction, which I was pretty shocked to feel in my current state. I knew not to trust it, and did my best to steer clear of it.
Maybe our friendship was so raw and honest because I didn’t have the bandwidth for pretending. Whatever I felt, I said. I didn’t have the strength to hold back or cover anything up. While we didn’t talk about my wedding fiasco at length, Adam accepted my many silences, my sudden wanting to be alone, and my need to sleep like the dead. Once, he got emotional when we visited Grand Turk Lighthouse because he said Liv had described that iconic spot. In general, I felt that we could just be ourselves. The self that he got was probably close to me at my worst, but somehow, he made me feel okay with that.
By Thursday evening, I was also realizing that it would soon be time to say goodbye.
“We’ve seen a lot these past few days.” We’d hung out all day on Grace Bay Beach, and then drove to Providenciales for the iconic Thursday Fish Fry, which featured local food, music, and dance performances. It had been a feast of the colorful local culture.
And here I never thought I’d leave my room. I’d forced myself to get up and go each day because going was my lifeline. For that, I’d be eternally grateful to him.
