“I love spending time with you, but I can’t commit to anything. And when you add a baby into that mix—well, I feel like that would head us into disaster. I mean, we barely knoweach other. And being a staple in a child’s life and then possibly leaving—well, that would be awful.”
I wanted to object. I wanted to tell him to just take everything a day at a time. To keep going as we are now, which was the most wonderful thing I’d ever experienced.
But then I heard my own voice.You’re too much, Ani. Just too much.
What normal man would begin a relationship with me? I was a bad bet, a wild card.
I couldn’t argue with him. Not everyone was built like I was, doing crazy things, dreaming about life as though it would somehow all work out if you only had some faith. So I sat up straight and said, “You-you’re absolutely right. It’s complicated.” I swallowed hard, trying to keep a lump down.
I felt like I’d lost something I never really had.
“This is for the best,” he said.
I nodded, unable to speak. But I did not agree. I wanted to say,You’ll fall in love, just as I did. When you hold her, when you cradle her, you’ll be under her spell.
But I couldn’t.
Finally, I said, “Thank you—for everything.”
“Of course. Feel free to call me if you need anything.”
I managed a nod. But I knew that I wouldn’t call. I wanted him to come on his own, not because he had to. Not because I was a damsel in distress that he felt he had to save.
I thought about telling him that it was okay with me to keep things loose between us. No strings. I might have said it too, except it would have been so typical of me—to say anything to make things easier for him.
But it didn’t feel right for me.
This time, my life wasn’t just about me. It was about Rosalie and me now.
And I had feelings. Big feelings for him. It wasn’t enough anymore to just fool around for fun. Or out of grief and desperation.
I wanted more.
This time I took uphishand. “You’ve done so much for the baby and me already. I appreciate everything.”
Ah, but I was lying by omission. Ididexpect more. I wanted him to want meandthe baby, as fairy-tale as that sounded. Sure, it was complicated, but I believed it wouldn’t be if you really loved someone.
His grief or fear held him back, that was obvious to me. But I couldn’t help wondering what would happen if he really could unleash all that love that he held so pent up inside.
Chapter Thirteen
Ani
“Here’s your little girl,” Dale said in the nursery a week later, holding up Rosalie and waiting for either Daria or me to make a move. Her tiny hand was waving in the air, and she was very alert and awake.
I was aching to take her right into my arms, afraid that this was all a dream and that I might awaken at the last second to find that none of it was real.
I glanced at Daria, knowing that she was in charge. She was Rosalie’s official foster parent on all the paperwork, and I was on probation. So I deferred to her. But she already knew exactly what I wanted. Smiling, she gave a nod.
I smiled back in relief and held out my arms for my tiny little bundle of joy, tears flooding my eyes. “Hi, honey,” I whispered. “We’re busting you outta here. You’re going home.”
I wanted to thinkdaughter,mydaughter, but I was too terrified. What if the day came when I had to give her up? How would I?
Just love her, I thought.It’s happened so far. Have faith that it will keep happening.
“Oh, she’s so tiny,” my mother said from my side. “And look at how bright-eyed she is. She’s very intelligent, I can tell.”
“You’re so right, Julia,” Daria agreed. “Very intelligent.”
