“The fuck I do.” Ciaran shook his head. “I can deny it. Kellan said the whole mate thing isn’t set in stone. We still have free will. I can choose to not... to not do anything.”
Fray turned to look at him with a curious expression before he decided not to say anything.
“Spit it out, Fray.”
He sighed. “I just.... What does it feel like? I can tell you’re on a freaking knife’s edge around him, conflicted or tormented, because I’ve never seen you struggle before. But what do you feel? I mean, finding a mate is kinda rare. Special, I guess.” He shrugged. “I was just curious about what it’s like.”
Ciaran could understand the curiosity. The mate-bond was rare for their kind—especiallyinvolving a human, which was unheard of—and he knew Fray would never use it against him. Hell, maybe it’d help if he knew what Ciaran was going through.
“It’s... like nothing I’ve ever felt,” he admitted. “As soon as I saw him on the boat, my body knew he was someone....”
Fray raised an eyebrow. “Your body?”
“Not like that,” Ciaran said, knowing how Fray’s perverted mind worked. “I mean, there’s that too. But this was.... I dunno. My hearts began to race like I’d just seen something amazing and terrifying. My blood felt cold and hot at the same time, and I needed to shift so bad. I’ve never struggled to keep form, but.... It’s hard to explain.” He shook his head at himself. It did feel good to admit this stuff out loud, but it also made it very real. “You know what it’s like when the ocean calls us?”
Fray nodded. “You have to go. You can’t not go.”
“It’s like that. But only it’s not the ocean. It’s...”
“A person.”
Ciaran nodded. “It feels like a hook in me. Like there’s a line between us, and it’s reeling me in.”
“Holy shit.”
“It scared the shit outta me,” he admitted. “I didn’t know what it was. I mean, who the fuck does he think he is? He can’t just turn up in our town and expect me to...”
“To what, Ciar? To be honest, I don’t think he expects anything from you.”
Ciaran frowned at that, at the ache in his chest. “He’s human. How could he?” He rubbed his sternum. “Fuck.”
“Even thinking about rejecting it hurts, huh?”
Ciaran nodded again. “Burns. Like I need water. I need cold water. Being in freeform helps. I feel more centred. These human forms are all fucking wrong. What good is a freaking skeleton on the inside of a body anyway? Exoskeletons make more sense.”
Fray laughed. “Evolution didn’t always get it right.”
They were quiet for a minute then, and Ciaran figured he may as well admit to Fray what he didn’t even want to admit to himself. “When I see him, the need to go to him is intense. I need to be near him. I want to touch him. Need to. It burns me not to touch him.” He swallowed hard, his mouth dry at the mere thought of not being able to touch him. “I want to take him. The need to take him in freeform, wrap every limb around him and pull him deep into the water.” He opened and closed his fists a few times. “I want to do that so fucking bad.”
Fray made a face. “Well, can I recommend youdon’tdo that? Because, well, you know... humans don’t do too well underwater for very long.”
Ciaran let his head fall back and he groaned. “That’s why I can’t be near him. I’m gonna lose it good and proper and fucking change form in front of him. I’m not gonna be able to stop it. I’ve barely been able to contain it as it is, and I can only imagine it’s going to get worse the longer he stays.”
“Okay, so, serious question,” Fray said. “Do we get rid of him?”
Ciaran’s sternum burned again, and he tried to rub the pain away. “Ugh.”
Fray looked at him, genuinely concerned. “Look. I get it. But if it’s between losing you or him, if one of you has to go, it’s not a question. So maybe he leaves permanently. Surely the mating thing will dissipate if he’s, like, dead or something.”
The burn deepened, making Ciaran hiss. “Yeah, I can’t even think about that.”
Fray watched as Ciaran rubbed his chest, pressing the heel of his hand against his sternum to try and appease the ache. “Okay, so maybe not.”
Ciaran shook his head. “I need water.” He didn’t wait for Fray to reply, he just melted into freeform and slipped into the river.
The relief was immediate but not complete. The burn was still there, a small ember in his hearts that not even the freezing water could snuff out.
It still burned.
