“I think I have.”
“But having a baby…just when you’re trying to start a business…”
For once, Krissa thought she understood where her mother was coming from. “I want both.” She met her mom’s eyes. “That’s what I want.”
“Then you should have both.” Mom sounded a little choked. “And we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”
“Thank you.”
They both looked into their mugs and sniffled.
“I’m sorry I gave you the impression I’m not happy with my life.” Mom touched a finger to the outside corner of one eye and blinked. “Because the truth is, I love my life. I’ve been so very lucky to have your father and you girls. Youweremy life. Still are, even though you’re all grown and gone. It’s true, sometimes I think about what could have been…the career I could have had.”
“You still could have had it, Mom.”
“Yes.” She smiled faintly. “You are absolutely right. If I’d truly wanted it that much I would have had it. The truth is…” She swallowed. “I was afraid of trying. Afraid I didn’t have what it took to make it in the business world. Afraid I wouldn’t be the success I’d envisioned for myself.”
“And then you saw me…not being a success.”
They looked at each other. Krissa knew that’s what her mother had been thinking, even though she wasn’t agreeing with her. “I’m sorry, Krissa. I’m so sorry.” She turned the mug in her hands.
Silence settled between them.
“You know that saying?” Mom lifted her head. “About the grass always being greener?”
“I know.” Krissa shook her head. “Everyone wants what they don’t have. Sometimes I wonder if I really wanted a baby that much, or I just wanted it because I couldn’t have it.”
“Youcanbe a little stubborn like that.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I understand, Krissa. Because I’m like that too. I thought I wanted a career. I saw women I’d gone to school with moving into senior positions…I wanted what they had. But I truly loved you and your sisters, and wanted to be the best mother I could be.” Her mom’s gaze softened. “You wanted a baby that much? That you would…”
“It’s complicated.” She looked down at her mug of tea.
“You seem so sad, Krissa. I know you want this baby…are you sure there’s no hope for you and Derek? If you love him…”
“I…I’m so confused about my feelings right now. I think Derek and I need to be apart. I need to figure out how I feel, and who I am. I’m just learning things about myself…”
“Maybe someday…”
“I don’t think so.” Krissa smiled at her mom. “I don’t want to give you false hope. I’m confused about things, but our marriage is over. I just need time. Time to be on my own, figure things out.”
“What about Nate?”
Krissa squirmed under her mother’s inquiring glance. “Same thing goes. I need to figure out how I feel. But I will tell him about the baby. He has to know.”
“All right.” Her mother nodded. “So. You’ll need things for the baby.”
Chapter 32
Nate stared at the Indian Ocean through the fronds of a palm tree. The setting sun painted the sky mauve and apricot, the wispy clouds darker shades of lavender and peach. Turquoise water washed gently onto white sand. He framed the view into a shot in his mind’s eye.
He’d shot over a thousand images since he’d arrived in Indonesia, and he knew many of them were incredible. Different than anything he’d shot before. He’d been looking for scenes to express the conflict inside him and had created powerfully moving images of strength and weakness, light and dark, yearning and loss.
His cell phone buzzed at his hip and he slid it out of the holder and flipped it open. His brother Rich. Huh.
“Hey.”
